Sasuke's New Hobbies, Kami Help Us!
by wingedmercury
Summary: Sasuke returns with some...ahem...strange new hobbies. "I just banged Sasuke-kuuun!" "What? I was just in his bed last night Ino! I-I think we've just been played!" That UCHIHA-NO-BASTARD! "Tsunade-sama, where are the pregnancy tests?" Full sum inside.
1. Chapter 1: Reunion

**Full Summary:** The great ninja war ends when Sasuke has a change of heart and kicks Madara's butt. But will the village be able to fully accept him, especially given some of his...ahem... new hobbies? "I just banged Sasuke-kuuun!" "What? I was just in his bed last night Ino! I-I think we've just been played!" That UCHIHA-NO-BASTARD! "Tsunade-sama, where are the pregnancy tests?" A very humorous romantic comedy, rated T+ for strong language and hinting at sexual themes (nothing too gory I promise, it's more of a comedy and NOT a soft porn, no lemons here yo:)

Please be warned, there is a very, very slight Yaoi pairing in this fic that happened in the past that a few characters talk about like once or twice- so please don't flame me if you don't like Yaoi, you have been warned fool! Anyway, there are multiple parings and much hysteria. And we'll be having a few OC's in the last chapters, but never mind that now!

Note: I don't own Naruto, but if I did it would be awesome:)

* * *

Sakura took a break from her medic duties to sit and drink a cup of tea in the shade. It was a hot day, but Sakura felt slightly euphoric- everyone in the village felt that way, really. The last great ninja war had ended abruptly- much to everyone's unimaginable joy- when Naruto fought Sasuke and won. And Sasuke, with the last of his strength kicked Madara Uchiha's ass.

Still, the aftermath of war was no simple thing to clean up. There were many new names on the memorial stone. The village was still in ruins. But despite the losses, Sakura had to smile. _Naruto kept his promise- he brought Sasuke back! _Not just Sasuke's body, but his heart and soul as well. Sakura looked at her reflection in her cup. She still hadn't had a chance to speak with Sasuke after the war; even though he had redeemed himself by fighting Madara, there was still a long laundry list of crimes he had committed. Sakura thought he was probably still in custody as Tsunade and the council worked everything out...

"Hey, Sakura-chan..." She heard the familiar voice, and felt his warm breath on her neck. She suppressed her desire to moan, and instead made her face inscrutable as she turned to face-

"Ohio...Uchiha...Sasuke...san...I didn't sense you there."

"Hn." He took a seat beside her. "You seem to be deep in thought."

_I want to ask him so many things...I want to trust him, but...?_ Sakura decided to keep the conversation on the surface. Schooling her face so that she wouldn't reveal her tumultuous thoughts, she asked, "What did the council decide about your status? Since you're not in prison right now, I'm assuming it's good news."

"Yeah...mostly good news. Naruto stood up for me...and the fact that now he's officially next in line for Hokage helped things. I'm a regular enrolled ninja now...albiet still a genin." He laughed softly. "I even got this-"

He pulled out a leaf shinobi headband, and put it on his forehead.

"That's great, Sasuke...san." She tried not to sound too excited, and she decided to use the more formal honorific to put some distance between them. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the formalities, but decided to ignore it.

"On the other hand, I also received these-"

He lifted up his shirt, and Sakura fought her blush. _God, he's still so beautiful..._She let her eyes take in his muscular chest with masked pleasure, but then gasped as she looked up at his heart.

"What is that?" She asked in alarm.

Completely unperturbed, he answered, "It's similar to the seal used in the Hyuga clan for branch members...The Hokage and Naruto both have the power to kill me instantly. And this-"

He turned around, and Sakura noticed the seal on his back. "That looks like a tracking seal..." She wispered.

Sasuke nodded. "I'm basically under constant surveillance with this seal. There's always an ANBU black opps keeping tabs on me with their chakra." Sasuke sighed. "I guess it's what I deserve though...actually, it's much better than what I deserve."

They sat back in silence, and Sasuke put his shirt back on. _He sure is being talkative for Sasuke..._ But then, a lot had changed, and maybe the events of the last six months had really brought him back...back for real.

"I-I'm glad that thinks worked out ok, Sasuke-san. But I really should be going now...I have a lot to do." In truth, Sakura could have taken a longer break, but she was getting weirded out by Sasuke and his open manner of speaking, and she couldn't handle the intensity of the air between them- it was like there was electricity in the space between their bodies, and Sakura wasn't sure how long she could hold her stoic facade. _It's so strange, the last time we saw each other, I tried to kill him with a poisoned kunai knife, and he almost murdered me with his chidori, yet here we are having a very polite conversation._ Sakura's inner voice chortled ironically, but outwardly she maintained her cool. She tried to stand up-

Sasuke took her hand- "Wait."

Mustering up all of her training as a ninja, she continued to put an energetic wall around her reactions. She was in an awkward half-standing, half siting position, and since she couldn't stand up with Sasuke's tight grip on her arm, she stifled a sigh and sat back down. "Nanda?" She asked simply.

"Sakura...I'm sorry...for everything..."

"It's ok Sasuke, you've redeemed yourself and the village forgives you. We all know now...what you went through..." Sakura's mind turned to the startling revelation of the _true_ story behind the Uchiha massacre. After learning that, it was hard to really blame Sasuke...just another product of the ninja world's hatred. Hatred that they were all overcoming, thanks to Naruto.

"That's not what I mean. I'm sorry for what happened...between us."

It was silent for a moment. "It's ok, Sasuke-san. I've already forgiven you. If I hadn't, you would have been dead when I met you after the Kage summit. I'm glad you're so open with me, it makes me really happy, Sasuke-san." She was still using the formal honorific with him.

Sakura stood up and dusted herself off. "It was really nice seeing you Sasuke-san, and I'm glad things have worked out between you and the village." She broke her cold facade and offered him a lukewarm smile. "Let's talk again sometime."

Sasuke stood up and caught her eyes with his. Sakura's breath caught in the back of her throat. _Those eyes...I could lose myself and drown in them if I'm not careful._ Sakura made an intention to steady herself, but before she could move-

it all happened so fast-

damn those Uchihas and their speed!-

He caught her up in an embrace- she felt warm lips pressed to hers-

Sakura opened her eyes in surprise. She pulled away slightly, but let him hold her.

"S-sasuke?"

He nuzzled in closer to her and whispered in her ear, "Why don't you take a break for a little while? You work too hard..." Sakura felt his breath on her ear and neck, and realized she could no longer hold back the electricity in the air from invading every pore in her body, from shaking her to the core.

_Damn! I was trying not to be his fucking fan girl!_ She told herself to resist, but instead she felt herself holding him closer. She didn't even remember putting her arms around him...

"Wait a sec..." Sakura stepped back. She made a hand-sign and muttered, "Release!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at her.

She grinned, signing, "Just checking..."

"You really think I'd put you under a genjutsu?" He looked at her askance. He was still holding her at the waist, and his fingers started to roam the expanse of her back.

"Hn." She replied, mocking him. He looked into her eyes again and Sakura could feel herself falling in... genjutsu or not, she melted helplessly in his arms as he kissed her slowly. She was surprised at how warm his embrace felt, how gentle. He whispered in her ear again, "Your place or mine?"

"Yours is fine."


	2. Chapter 2: We've Just Been Played

Ohio friends! Wow, thanks to Tokko. Ranmaru Sakura Fan 2278 I finally figured out how to publish new chapters despite the error 2 b.s. Arigato my dear, this chapter is dedicated to you!

Also, thanks to Echo Uchiha for following my work- I really appreciate all your nice comments!

Last but not least, arigato dazyn18 for Beta-ing the first 6-ish chapters of this fic! You are the best! *HUGS*

FYI, I'm still working on this writing this story- it turned out to be quite the doosey, let me tell you, but it looks like it's going to be about 13-14 chapters long, which includes a 2-3 part epilogue. Yowsa! Hope you like your fic long! I'll try and publish edited chapters as often as I can, probably every few days if not every day- and of course, you, my dear readers, are welcome to encourage me to publish more with your charming reviews:) Wink!

**Disclaimer**: Nope, still don't own Naruto or any of the characters from the series, sorry to disappoint you. I don't make any money off of writing fanfic, it is a hobby that is currently the only thing keeping me sane during a bout of being snowbound. Oh cabin fever.

OK, without further ado...!

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Sakura made her way to the medical tent. It was the next morning after the...run in with Sasuke. She still couldn't believe how fucking easy she had been..._literally..._she really had been steadying herself for _years_ to resist the Uchiha should she ever meet him again. Hell, she had even tried to kill him in the past, and instead had wound up fucking him. Sakura sighed. Not that she was unhappy. Much to her surprise, that emo-spikey-haired-bastard was a _damn good_ lay, even if he was a bit kinky for her taste. And even if she was kicked out of his bed later that night... Sigh. So much for losing her virginity in a romantic, loving embrace. But as a medical ninja, she had made damn sure to take some birth control before she was...hmmm...deflowered, so no harm done. Besides the hurt to her pride, of course. Sakura sighed as she opened the flap to the medical tent.

"Sakura, where did you run off to yesterday?" Lady Tsunade grunted at her, not bothering to look up from a medical chart.

"Something came up m'lady, my apologies for not notifying you, Tsunade-sama!" Sakura used her ninja skills to remove any inflection from her voice, hiding her mixed, tumultuous emotions from the Hokage.

"Hmm, no worries. It's been like a mad house in this village ever since the war. I've given up trying to keep track of everything. Here's a stack of medical records, I need you to look them over before you check on the patients."

"Hai! Yes, Lady Tsunade."

Sakura made her way over to the far corner of the tent and began scanning the documents. Before she got too far, a glowing Ino come up to her and jabbed her in the ribs with her elbow.

"Eh, Ino-pig, I'm trying to work here. What do you want?"

"Hmmm, guess what bill-board brow. Guess who I just _fucked_!" Sakura raised an eyebrow at her.

"You joking?"

Ino smiled and whispered in her ear. "I just banged Sasuke-kuuuuun!" She sang in a sugary voice.

Sakura's eyes got wide. She felt a her guts knotting together in a icy lump, but she kept her voice even. "When?"

"This morning!"

Sakura stood up slowly, holding the table in front of her for support. She realized she was shaking, but she forced herself to speak through her clenched teeth. "I was just in his bed _last night_."

Ino's smile vanished in an instant. She looked pale, her after-glow effectively destroyed. "Wh-what?"

Sakura wiped away tears that spilled out of her rebellious eyes, and took her friend's arm. She thought to herself furiously, _Now is not the time for tears! Now is the time to get angry and get even! _"I think we've just been played." Sakura huffed as she dragged a stunned Ino after her.

"Girls- where are you going? I need you two-"  
"Emergency situation, Tsunade-Sama!" This time, Sakura couldn't hide the extreme anger in her voice. Tsunade raised an eyebrow, but decided not to probe. The last war had taken a lot out of her and she just didn't have the energy to deal with Sakura's anger management problem. Sighing, she waved them on. "Fine. Get back as soon as you can." Tsunade gazed after the two departing Kunoichi, and started day dreaming about her pending retirement.

As they ran along the streets, Sakura huffed, "I can't fucking believe that emo freak. I can't believe I slept with him. I'm a weak fucking kunoichi when it comes to that idiot."

Ino started crying. "Sakura-chan, I can't believe this!" Soon, her muffled cry turned into an all out bawling-fest- "SAKURA! Oh my God! Ahhhh!"

Sakura stopped and embraced her friend, rubbing circles on her back. "Sh...Ino, it's going to be ok! I promise!" But Sakura's soothing words just met with more sobs, and she could feel Ino's back shuddering from her spastic weeping.

"Come on Ino-chan, don't be sad yet- get fucking angry. We are going to break that asshole's FUCKING BALLS! Do you hear me? We're going to CASTRATE THAT SON OF A WHORE!"

Ino sniffled and looked up at her pink-haired friend, who had managed to startle her out of a sobbing session. Of course, Sakura didn't mean to shout that last part, and she blushed when she saw half a dozen (male) shinobi looking at them fearfully. Their gazes all seemed to scream at her, "_Man eater_." "Come on, Ino-chan," she muttered, "Let's go." Sakura pulled Ino after her faster as they searched for the Uchiha.

They didn't have to look far, as he was with Naruto by the Uchiha compound- or what remained of it after Pein's attack. There hadn't been much time to rebuild between Pein's attack and the ninja war after all. Naruto saw them approaching but was oblivious to the obvious waves of rage their body language was communicating. "Ohio, Sakura-chan, Ino-chan-"

"Don't you Sakura-_chan_ me, Naruto. You are speaking with a man who is at the top of my hit list. Out. Of. Our. Way." Naruto made a concerned face and was about to say something conciliatory, but Sasuke put a hand on his shoulder. "It's ok, Naruto, let me handle this."

"Sasuke, you fucking fuck face. What the fuck did you think you were doing?"

Sasuke made a face. "You seemed to be a fan of fucking last night, Sakura-chan. What's your damage?"

Naruto's eyes widened. Deciding he didn't want to get caught in the cross fire, he stepped away from Sasuke and Sakura _veeeery _slowly.

"Sasuke, what's the idea of you banging me and Sakura in rapid succession, you emo-whore-freak!" Ino chimed in, punching her fist in the air. Sakura was relieved that her friend had recovered from her bout of depression, and she silently vowed to herself that she would _never_ forgive Sasuke for being such a prick to her and Ino.

Naruto let out a loud sigh. "Sasuke, what the hell did I tell you about restraint? Restraint, man!"

Sasuke laughed. "Restraints? You told me you were into them."

Sakura's eyes widened. "Naruto? Did you? Sleep? With? Sasuke? Too!"

Naruto giggled self consciously and ran a hand through his hair. "Ummmm..."  
"WHAT THE FUCK NARUTOOOOO!" Sakura could not contain her anger anymore.

"Shhh, Sakura, keep your voice down!" As the newly installed Hogake-in-training, Naruto didn't really want word of his...exploits getting too far.

An appalled Ino whispered in his ear, "Naruto! Was Hinata really ok with that...?"

Naruto, who had started dating Hinata about a month ago, giggled again like a nervous school girl. "Um...actually, she watched..."

"SASUKE!" Sakura roared, coming towards him while gathering chakra in her raised fist.

Sasuke looked up, nonplussed. "You know Sakura, you really shouldn't yell in your condition.

"MY CONDITION? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU ASS CLOWN?"

Sasuke turned on his sharingan. "Duh-you're pregnant."

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Yowsa! That Uchiha-no-bastard! Ok, let me know how you liked this chapter my friends- your reviews are always appreciated!

:)  
Wings


	3. Chapter 3: Uchiha No Bastard

Thanks for the nice reviews y'all!

Plain. Toast. II: Lol, glad you enjoyed:) It's just so fun to get Hinata to be OOC!

Echo Uchiha: Thanks!

Well, thought I'd upload another chapter today, since it's a shorty. Enjoy! Don't forget to review my pretties!

**disclamier:** I don't own Naruto, if I did the animation would have been better in the first 1/2 of the series:)

* * *

Sakura could feel the anger- and blood- draining out of her cheeks. She fainted.

Luckily, Ino was there to catch her. "Sasuke, you man-slut! Are you fucking nuts?"

Sasuke glanced over at Ino- "You know, I also wouldn't yell in your condition."

Ino looked over at him in horror, but she managed to stay angry. "The fuck? I took birth control you imbecile!"

"You did. But my sharingan overrode its frequency and now..."

"You know what- shut the fuck up. Sakura, Sakura," Ino yelled, slapping Sakura's face until she was conscious, "let's go get some fucking pregnancy tests and make damned _sure_ this dick-face is lying." Ino started dragging her somewhat comatose compatriot back towards the med tent, while screaming back over her shoulder at Sasuke- "You are never getting laid in this town again? Do you hear me Uchiha no bastard? NEVER AGAIN!" Sasuke merely smirked, which served only to fuel her anger.

When they finally got there, Tsunade was about to say something to the girls, but thought the better of it once she saw their expressions. Ino rushed up to her.

"Tsunade-sama, where are the pregnancy tests?"

Tsunade let out a sigh. "Why are girls so keen on getting knocked up right after a war? I remember after the last great Ninja War..." Tsunade trailed off, as Sakura and Ino's expressions told her they didn't give a flying fuck what the crone had to say about the last ninja war.

"Brown cabinet, 5th shelf on the right." Tsunade sighed.

Ten minutes later, Tsunade heard a pair of twin screams from the bathroom.

"THE FUCK!"

Tsunade yelled over from her desk,"Congrats girls."

They stormed out of the bathroom. "Tsunade-sama, we were fucked under false pretenses!" Sakura moaned. Sakura could feel her heart beat racing. _This-cannot-be-happening! I-cannot-be-preggers-with-that-bastard's-bastard-child! _Sakura tried to still her tumbling thoughts, but only ended up biting her bottom lip until it bled.

Tsunade thought about admonishing them for using vulgar language with the Hokage (she was still the Hokage damn it!), but instead just raised an eyebrow again. "So what happened?"

"We were both seduced and knocked up by that bastard Uchiha in the space of 24 hours!" Ino moaned, her face as pale as a ghost.

"Well it looks like he's not wasting any time..."

Ino looked perturbed, as if the Hokage had just told her that Ino was overweight. "The fuck?"

Tsunade sighed, again ignoring their language. "Looks like he's trying to rebuild his clan."

The girls both looked at her in horror. Sakura bellowed, "We both took birth control, but he overrode it with his fucking sharingan! Isn't that illegal!"

Tsunade nodded. "That is pretty, ah, fucked, as you young people say." Tsunade pushed herself up from her desk, feeling like the old person she really was. "Let me go find that fool before he knocks anyone else up, as well as my Hokage in training."

Ino and Sakura looked at the Hokage in a mix of confusion and horror.

"Girls! I mean let's find the both of them, not that Sasuke's going to knock up Naruto! Sheesh, haven't you two taken biology? You know that's impossible, knocking up a man! Have you two been reading some twisted M rated fanfic? Seriously! Why in my day..."

Sakura and Ino looked at each other and collectively rolled their eyes, ignoring the rest of their superior's speech. As they knew that Tsunade was closer to the truth than she might have realized, and that Naruto might be biased when it came to Sasuke's sexual exploits, they demanded to accompany the Hokage. She nodded.

They found the pair in the same spot by the Uchiha compound, looking over some kind of blueprint. Naruto spotted them and hit himself on the forehead. "Sasuke-kun, looks like you've gotten me into some more trouble...and here it comes..." Naruto grimaced. He really _didn't_ approve of Sasuke's unromantic (and slightly unfair) tactics, but after all, the girls had gone to bed with him of their own free will! Despite mentally reassuring himself, Naruto still cringed at his friend's reply.

Sasuke grunted. "I didn't do anything wrong. It was consensual after all."

Naruto merely sighed as he watched the 3 kunoichi who were rapidly closing in on them.

Tsunade appeared and towered over them. "You two. My office. Now."

Naruto pointed to the plans- "Come on grandma, we're never going to get this done if- OUCH!" Tsunade took Naruto and Sasuke by the ear. "Do I have to drag you there the whole way like this, or are you going to follow me?"

Sasuke looked at Naruto, and his eyes said, _Damn that lady is scary._

"We're coming! We're coming!" Promised Naruto. Sasuke snickered under his breath, "That's what you said last night!" but thankfully Tsunade _pretended_ not to hear.

Tsunade led the way, while the men were followed by the younger kunoichi- both were holding kunai and were ready to attack if the "prisoners" tried to make a run for it. Naruto gulped when he saw Sakura and Ino's rage-filled faces and closed his eyes. _That's it,_ Naruto thought wryly, _I'm a dead man. I should have never listened to that teme..._

_

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_Lol, how are those bakas going to get out of this one? R&R please:)_  
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	4. Chapter 4: The Fuck?

Hello again my pretties! I have a few moments on this monday morning to publish one more chapter (couldn't sleep last night, lost in a bout of editing, *sigh*). If you reward my dork self for staying up late editing with some reviews, it might encourage me to do it again tonight- otherwise, you're just ganna have to wait! Review or suffer, wha ha ha! JK, I really appreciate your reviews, and they really help to give me motivation...soooooooo...

**disclaimer**: Yep, unfortunately, I still don't own Naruto characters, nor do I make any money making them dance for me in my fanfic:)

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"Sasuke, you can't just go around knocking up all my kunoichi. We're limited enough on man- er- woman power after all these Kami forsaken wars. And you especially can't go ahead and mess with their birth control."

"Hn."

"Sasuke, don't fuck with me. If it weren't for me, you'd be rotting in prison right now. Do you think this kind of behavior is going to buy you friends? Do you?" Tsunade starred down at the raven-haired pain-in-the-ass.

"Actually, yes." Sasuke looked up at her, a placid expression on his face.

"Boy, what the hell is wrong with you-"

"Grandma Tsunade, let me explain!" Naruto burst in. "It actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it, it's like three birds with one stone. Integrating Sasuke's...ahem...offspring is actually quite beneficial to the village, because we preserve the Uchiha line with children who are guaranteed to be loyal, by virtue of their mothers' clans. Also, it will help Sasuke be more accepted in the village if he has...ahem...strong relationships with the major clans, via his children. Best of all, we preserve the sharingan and thereby make the village stronger-"

"Naruto, that's CRAZY!" Sakura moaned. She couldn't believe that baka had actually stood up for the Uchiha! But then again, he was having "relations" himself with the good-for-nothing-emo-asshole, and Sakura was pretty sure who was on the _bottom_ in that relationship. _I am going to KILL Naruto when this is over. His ass is grass and I'm a mother-fucking LAWN MOWER!...s_he cried inwardly.

Tsunade looked thoughtful for a moment, silently contemplating what Naruto had said. The silence was so thick, you could cut it with a rusty kunai. Naruto _pretended_ not to feel Ino and Sakura's glares boring a hole through his backside (he thanked Kami that looks, in fact, could _not_ kill...at least when genjutsu was not employed), and he breathed out a sigh of relief when the Hokage finally spoke-

"Actually, it's just crazy enough to work!" She broke out into a smile and ruffled Naruto's hair, pleased with her successor's logic.

Sakura tried to choke out a protest, and suddenly Tsunade became serious. "But-" she put up a finger in Sakura's direction, motioning for her to wait for Tsunade to finish her sentence, "there needs to be some guidelines. First of all, how many women have you had, er, relations with?"

Sasuke grinned. "I haven't had that much time- just these two..." He gestured towards Sakura and Ino, who both turned beet red. Naruto was glad the question had been phrased in such a way to leave out his _own_ sex life...

"LADY TSUNADE!" They both objected.

"While I abhor the little override of your birth control, you both did have consensual sex with Sasuke, and you know that no birth control is 100% effective. This was not a rape case- this was a case of you two not thinking things through. And-" She continued, even though her two apprentices' faces were horror- stricken, "while it's true that we are short staffed on ninja right now, what better way to start replenishing our forces..." She smiled mischievously at the Hokage in training. "Naruto, that was pretty genius!"

Ino and Sakura both fainted on the floor.

Sasuke smirked. After all, it was amusing to hear his own words parroted back at him via Naruto and Tsunade's conversation. He remembered schooling Naruto on just how to handle his "plan" with the Godaime...he couldn't help but grin as he remembered how the naked blonde had reacted to his tactics, then finally acquiesced, as they lay in bed after a steamy night of-

Sasuke snapped out of his pleasant daydream as the Hokage's stern voice barked, "However Sasuke, some ground rules. Don't knock up anyone outside of this village. Don't mess around with anyone else's birth control- it you do, I'll chop off your freakin balls. And _that_ is no idle threat. Absolutely no rape or sex under false pretenses. Kapish?"

Sasuke nodded, "Hn."

"Fine. You all are dismissed. I'm going to get drunk now." Naruto and Sasuke grinned and left the office arm-in-arm, discussing building plans. Ino and Sakura stared at her, mouths agape.

"Close your mouths and get out of my office!" Tsunade snapped, as she took out a hidden flask of sake and poured herself a full cup.

Ino and Sakura looked at each other, wordlessly understanding what the other was thinking.

_The Fuck?_

_

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_LOL, oh lady Tsunade. Alright, this story has had over 150 visitors so far- won't one of you take the time to write a lil' review? *Puppy eyes* Please? Come on, you can't resist my puppy eyes! *evil laughter* _  
_


	5. Chapter 5: Such a Kinkster

Thanks all for your slammin' reviews!

Plain. Toast. II: Thanks! Yeah, a tad over eager there to start his clan up again. It's always something with Sasuke-kun. Yep, Tsunade is pretty much an alcoholic:)

Echo Uchiha: ;-)

otaku- kage: Don't worry:) The boy on boy action is very minimal in this fic- you know me, I'm more about the humor and less about the soft porn:)

Neko-Chan NyaNya: Aw, shucks. Thanks a bunch!

All right friends, I found some time to edit the next chapter- hope you enjoy:)

* * *

Tsunade was calmly going through her paper work the next morning, thinking that the issue of Sasuke's new...er...hobby was taken care of. Even though she hated paper work, she hummed to herself in contentment. Soon, she would be able to retire, visit the hot springs as often as she wanted, and she could spend the entire day drunk without any cares in the world. She couldn't wait.

Just as she was absentmindedly stamping her seal of approval on another bothersome form, she heard a loud ruckus outside.

"Let us see lady Tsunade!"

"It's absolutely revolting!"

"That Uchiha pervert-"

Once she heard the words "Uchiha" and "Pervert" in the same sentence, her mind was made up. She scribbled a quick note and sighed, "Kawarimi no Jutsu- Substitution Jutsu!"

A moment later Kiba, Choji, Shikamaru, Shino and Rock Lee barged into the office.

"Lady Hokage, this just is unacceptable-" Kiba roared, furious that his chances of ever getting laid in this village had just dwindled from nil to zero. The rest of the bachelors murmured in agreement.

"How can you approve of Sasuke's behavior?"

"We'll be the laughing stock of all the other villages!"

The protests continued to become louder and more adamant, as the young Konoha ninja- well, the ones that were most likely to die virgins- shook their fists in the air.

"Lady Tsunade?"

Shino shook his head. "It appears that Lady Tsunade has utilized a substitution jutsu. She is truly a formidable appointment." He walked over to the apparition and swiped at it- Tsunade's image disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving swirling leaves and dust in its wake. Shino sighed and picked up the note on her desk, reading aloud, "The Hokage is taking a much needed vacation. In her absence, all questions and concerns can be brought to the Hokage in training, Uzumaki Naruto."

There was a moment of silence, then-

"NARUTO!" They all shouted at once.

There was going to be hell to pay.

* * *

Naruto put his hands in front of his face, as if bracing against a physical attack. "Guys, please!"

"I don't care what you say Naruto- if this is indicative of how you are going to be as Hokage, letting your slut friend run around banging all the eligible ladies in this town, I'm going to murder you!" Kiba roared.

The angry mob had brought Naruto to the Hokage's office, and they refused to be pacified. Naruto sighed. "Please give me tonight to think things over- spread the word that there will be an official meeting on this subject tomorrow. Please bring a list of your grievances, questions, and concerns, and I'm sure we can work something out that can suit you all." Naruto repeated words that Tsunade had been drilling into him as part of his Hokage training.

Choji muttered, "We want this shit taken care of NOW Naruto!"

Before a chorus of angry, sex starved ninjas could agree with the rotund ninja, Naruto quickly countered, "I'm not doing anything until I've officially worked this issue out with the clan heads and council members. You are all welcome to come to the meeting tomorrow, your opinions are valued. Now please, leave me alone?"

Satisfied for now, the crowd filed out the door. Naruto took a deep breath and reached into the concealed compartment of the Hokage's desk where Tsunade kept her sake hidden from Shizune. "That fucking bitch..." Naruto thought aloud, as he poured himself a drink and cursed Tsunade. He was so flustered he didn't even hear Hinata enter.

"Hey..." Hinata put her hands on Naruto's shoulders and started massaging him.

He jumped slightly but relaxed at her familiar touch. "This Hokage stuff is harder than it looks babe." He looked up at her pleadingly. Hinata laughed.

"It's your dream after all Naruto, I think you're doing a fine job."

Naruto gulped down his sake, then fumbled with a pen and chewed on the end of it. "It's just this Sasuke stuff is getting out of hand..."

Hinata blushed. "I heard...from Sakura-chan and Ino-chan...er...heehee."

Naruto stuttered- "I-oh-they...know...about...that..."

Hinata giggled. "Now you're the one stuttering? The tables have turned."

"I didn't mean for this all to get out of hand-"

"Naruto, what you and Sasuke do behind closed doors is no one else's concern...heehee, except for mine maybe, and it was really hot...HAHA!" Hinata doubled over laughing.

Naruto shot her a pained look, "Babe, don't laugh, I'm in deep shit over that gigolo, and not because of my personal life...because he can't keep his dick under control when it comes to rebuilding his clan!"

Hinata sniffled and wiped tears out of her eyes. "Hm, I suppose there's no danger of you getting knocked up after all...this isn't some far fetched plot in an M rated fan fic after all-" Hinata stopped when she realized that the joke was only funny the first time and that Naruto was genuinely upset.

"Hey Naruto-kun, we can work it out. In fact, my father has invited us over for dinner and is going to give you a few pointers about how to deal with the situation. In fact..." She blushed and hid her lips under her hand, stifling a giggle.

"What, Hinata-chan?"

"In fact, he totally wants to try out Konoha's new stud on my little sister! He wants to make some ultimate ocular blood line limit by crossing the byakugan and sharingan!"

Naruto's eyes got wide. "I never thought I'd find an ally in your father..."

Hinata chortled and sat on his lap. "It's going to work out just fine honey. I'll help you through this."

"Ah, what would I do without you Hinata-chan? We've only been dating a month but I can't picture what my life would be without you." He breathed a long sigh of relief, then kissed the Hyuuga gently. She leaned against his shoulder and practically purred, but suddenly his body stiffened and she asked, "What's wrong?"

Hinata looked at him quizzically.

"Hinata-chan...you aren't...into banging...Sasuke...are-"

Hinata laughed and cut him off with a wave of her hand. "You're worried about me shtupping that slut? Nah, he's not my type and I'm not into making his babies...I'd rather have little blond babies with blue eyes if I have a say at all..."

Naruto blushed at the mention of their theoretical future children, but Hinata continued, "I'm just into yaoi. Really, he's all yours...kinda."

"So you wouldn't...want to...you know...the both of us..."

Hinata snorted. "A threesome? Come on. Honey, I _don't_ want to risk getting knocked up by that nut job. Besides, I've only ever had eyes for you...it's hot watching you and Sasuke have your fun...but I don't want that Uchiha no slut-muffin touching me. Seriously, I find it gross. So-rry!" She said the word "sorry" in a bit of a sing-song voice and scrunched up her nose, continuing, "Maybe he's having a bad effect on you!" Hinata chortled as Naruto's blush deepened. How she loved making him blush! It was such sweet payback for all those awkward years of when she stalked her blond hero.

Naruto blinked up at her. "You are such a kinkster, you know that?"

"Hmmm...takes one to know one." She put her mouth on his ear and whispered, "Tonight, I want you to do that new sexy jutsu you've been working on, but right now, we have to go to dinner at my fathers..."

Naruto's face flushed a deeper shade of red.

_Victory_! Hinata thought, inwardly laughing.

* * *

There's nothing I enjoy more than an OOC Hinata:) She's just so cute and bad-ass once she gets her self esteem together!

Alrighty then, would you like the next chapter sooner than later? Then by golly, write me a lil' review and tell me so:) You'll win my undying love + affection:)


	6. Chapter 6: Reproduction Repercussions

Welcome back to the mad house!

Plain. Toast. II : Yep, OOC Hinata is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread.

Neko-Chan NyaNya: Lol, You crack me up:)

Well friends, here's the latest installment- and remember, flattery will get you everywhere, so keep those reviews coming:)

**Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own Naruto, but daaaaaamn this week's anime was hot. I wish I did own it. Sigh.

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The next morning, Naruto stepped out of his office looking more exhausted than if he had just run 500 laps around Konoha on his hands, Gai-sensei style. Hinata, at his side, patted his hand. "You did great, Naruto-kun." He shot her one of his iconic grins as he murmured, "Arigato." Really, it was a lot better than it could have been. Maybe. But a sinking feeling in his stomach told him the battle was far from over. Naruto sighed. "Let's go meet that dobe for lunch and explain to him the- ahem- terms."

The two sauntered on up to Ichiraku's ramen stand. "Oi, where is he? He really can't be late to this meeting..." Naruto muttered under his breath.

"Up here teme. Hn." Sasuke was lounging on top of the roof, idly twirling a kunai. "Not much of a Hokage if you can't find me right in front of your face, hey dead-last?"

Naruto snorted. "If I wasn't so distracted by all the trouble _you've_ caused me..." Naruto stuck out his tongue at his long-time rival. "Get the hell down here Uchiha- and I hope you know that _you're_ paying for this ramen!"

Sasuke's mouth twitched. "Hn. Fine. I guess it's a _date_ then teme." Naruto blanched, but Hinata just giggled. Naruto looked over at his girlfriend in protest. _Such a sadist!_

After the three had placed their orders, Naruto sighed. "The meeting went well dumb-ass. In fact, Hinata's father is simply _thrilled_ to use you as his breeding stock, but you know, this is all getting out of hand..."

Sasuke smirked and speared a piece of chicken in his bowl. "Hn."

Hinata mentioned thoughtfully, "I was actually surprised at my father's actions too at first... but after all my dad will pretty much do anything to make our clan stronger..."

"I know the sentiment!" Sasuke broke in curtly. "So what are the terms?"

"Well dobe, I did the best I could but those guys really had me by-"

"-the balls." Hinata chimed in.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I was _going_ to say neck. Oi, Sasuke, you've been having a bad influence on Hinata-chan!"

"Hn. Terms."

Still in mid eye-roll, Naruto stated, "One. Before you knock up anyone else, and of course for everyone you've _already_ knocked up, there will be a contract. Two. The contract will be signed in your blood. Three. I will make sure the contract is executed."

Naruto sighed.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow- "So what are the clauses?"

Naruto shrugged, "There's a ton. You'll be paying all the medical bills- for your children and for their mothers, not just for the duration of the pregnancy but until your kids become of age. Also, you'll be needing to pay a fortune in child support, until the child can start supporting themselves. Next, if the mother wishes you will be obligated to commit to 3-5 hours a day of training your off-spring, the variable hours dependent on the child's age and the child's need to go on missions. Rights to see your children will be worked out on an individual basis, but you aren't allowed to have any long term custody. Last..." Naruto wrinkled his nose at this last bit, "You'll be making a lil' visit to the sperm bank. Your seed is now property of Konoha."

"Hn."

"Don't worry, you don't have to pay for your sperm bank babies- that little donation is just for posterity. Also, as Hokage- er, Hokage in training- I've been made the overseer of the Uchiha clan fortune."

"Hn? I thought Konoha was going to give that back to me, since I am clan head...?"

"Yeah, about that, you are not allowed to buy, sell, or otherwise negotiate any business dealing as clan head without my permission. And in terms of accessing the funds, you'll be given a generous amount each month- by me- and I'll be making sure all your children and their mothers get the proper amount of money as stipulated by their contracts."

"Wow teme, you pretty much caved in on all their demands-"

"Yep."

"Hn. Pretty much what I deserve. But as long as I can achieve my goals, fine."

Hinata chortled, the very unlady-like noise startling Naruto, as she said "Don't sound so disappointed Sasuke-kun. You knew you couldn't run around screwing every cute girl you saw without some repercussions. Heehee, reproduction repercussions...that has a nice ring to it."

Naruto groaned. "All this means for me is more paperwork. Now I know why granny Tsunade was always complaining about paperwork- I'm doomed. The more brats you produce, the more paperwork I'll be drowning in."

"That will only add to my satisfaction." Sasuke retorted.

"I know." Hinata laughed and Naruto continued, "I'm surrounded by sadistic bastards."

Hinata patted Naruto on the back. "You know you like it."

Naruto pointed at Hinata- "See! See! Sasuke really is a bad influence!"

Sasuke, proud of his work, merely said "Hn."

It looked like Sasuke wanted to say more, but he was stopped by the arrival of Shino, Kiba, Sakura and Ino.

Shino shook his head. "This is just a theatrical farce of judgement. How can you just let Sasuke run around like that?"

"What can I do?" Naruto told them, shrugging. "I'm not supposed to mess with arguments between clans- and besides, it's consensual after all. And Sakura-" He turned towards his friend, pleading, "I made sure of one thing- he's obligated to sign a contract with any lady he- uh- dates, saying that if he knocks her up he will pay a large sum of childcare, will pay for their schooling and for private tutoring with the best senseis available, and on their eighteenth birthday will receive a lump sum from the vast Uchiha inheritance too." Sasuke raised an eyebrow at that last bit that Naruto had failed to mention before, but seemed unperturbed. Naruto continued, "I told Sasuke in no uncertain terms he would go to jail if he raped anyone or knocked them up under false pretenses again."

"Damn, that really is a good deal- no wonder we aren't getting laid!" Kiba groaned as he scratched his head.

Ino spoke next- "Sasuke, when I get my contract written up with you, I'm going to fucking take you for every penny I can get."

Sakura snorted, "You can kiss your fortune goodbye, asshole."

Sasuke merely retorted with "Hn."

Kiba growled, and reiterated, "Naruto, Sasuke is giving away such a sweet deal, we are never going to get laid in this town again!"

Hinata replied evenly, "You mean you got laid before?"

"Nanda? Hinata-chan?" Kiba howled, looking wounded.

"Oi, gomen nasai Kiba-kun, I couldn't help it!" Biting back her giggles, she took Kiba by the arm.

"Ah, Hinata, you're killing me!" Kiba moaned.

Sasuke had a definite smirk on his face. "Well, it was nice talking to you all, but I'm off now." He stalked away, leaving a seething Ino, Sakura, Kiba and Shino in his wake.

Sakura chimed, "This is just gross Naruto, you've got to find a way to tie this idiot down before he knocks up every girl in this town!"

"What can I do Sakura-chan? It seems like every girl _wants _to get boffed by that- hey!" He yelled, as Hinata elbowed him in the side. She sweetly gazed at him over the lid of her ramen bowl as he apologized, "Ah, except for you, Hinata-chan."

Hinata giggled and looked at him quizzically. "What I wanted to say was, I don't think it's just girls who want to-"  
"HINATA-CHAN!" Naruto yelped, appalled.

Sakura and Ino looked at each other. "Hinata, how did you just say all _that_ without a blush? Or a stutter? Who are you and what have you done with our Hinata?"

"Don't worry guys, I'm not a pod person. I've just been taking confidence lessons from Sasuke- and yes, I am probably the _only_ girl in town that is _not_ letting him fuck me. Cha!" Hinata winked.

Sakura's mouth was in a surprised "o" shape in response to her trademark victory phrase being used against her. She quickly regained her composure. "Ino-chan, time to find the Lady Hokage."

As Hinata gazed at the cloud of dust left in the wake of the Kunoichi's departure, she waved and shouted, "Have fun at the hot springs girls!"


	7. Chapter 7: The Set Up

Well, this chapter was a short-y, so I thought I'd throw it in:) Also, I changed the name of the story to "Sasuke's New Hobbies, Kami Help Us!", I just thought it would appeal to more people- what do you think?

Happy reading friends:) Don't forget to read and review, or Tsunade will send you on a sadistic mission:)

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Tsunade smiled to herself. She was back in her familiar office, at her familiar desk covered in the familiar loathsome paperwork, flanked on either side by her familiar apprentices. Oh, the hot springs had been wonderful- and indeed, she had been there for two full weeks before her wretched kunoichi had dragged her back to the village. And, she _was_ still looking forward to retirement- but she did have a few more mischievous actions to do as the official Hokage. A smile crossed her lips at this thought, and just then who should waltz into the room but Uchiha Sasuke and Mitarashi Anko, closely followed by Sai. _Speak of the devil. This is going to be fun._

Tsunade cleared her throat.

"As you three are aware, I went on a solo mission for the past two weeks scouting out some information that only I could verify." _A total lie! Heehee, I get to make my trip to the hot springs sound totally legit!_ Keeping her face a smooth facade, she continued, "It seems that there are indeed a few more Orochimaru strongholds in the land of Water, on the far eastern boarder of the country. You three are to infiltrate and destroy these strongholds. Take no prisoners. Understood?"

Tsunade had trouble containing her glee. _Oh yes my pretties, you'll find three strongholds- already empty. I got the report weeks ago from a dear connection of mine. So you'll be gone for months, going to the farthest corners of the world, for an absolute bunk mission. I'm so evil! And brilliant! And brilliantly evil!_

"This mission is of utmost importance. You are to leave tomorrow at dawn. Anko will be captain. Any questions?" After a moment of silence, Tsunade nodded. "Good. Sai and Sasuke, you are dismissed. I'd like to have a word with you, captain Anko...in private." Anko nodded.

After the two male ninja had left, Tsunade breathed out a huge sigh, then made some hand signs. "Security no Jutsu! Good, now there won't be any eavesdroppers. Anko, I'm about to tell you the true purpose of this mission. You are to seduce Uchiha Sasuke-"

Anko blanched. "Hokage-sama, are you just using me as another Uchiha baby making machine?"

No longer able to contain her unholy glee, Tsunade shook her head and grinned. "Even better Anko-chan. You are to make the Uchiha bastard fall in love with you. Get him to settle down. By any- and I mean _any_- means necessary."

Anko slowly nodded. "The whole baby making rampage he's been going on starting to build up too much tension in the village?"

"Let's just say he's sown enough fields for one month!" Tsunade barked. In truth, one could not count the amount of ladies he had knocked up on two hands- and given how troublesome Uchihas seemed to be, Tsunade was determined to rein him and his future offspring in a bit.

Anko snorted, but replied thoughtfully, "I see." She shot a few quizzical glances to Sakura and Ino, who were both silent yet grinning triumphantly, and a few more pieces of the puzzle snapped into place. "And Sai...Sai is there in case...as a back up, as it were. In case he requires _male_ attention." Anko giggled girlishly, and continued, "Well, can't say this isn't going to be a hell of a lot of fun! Not that I've ever been a sappy fan girl of that self-centered emo mutant, but I think I will have fun _breaking_ that superior grin off of his face...hmmm...I accept, Hokage-sama!" Ano smiled deviously, licking her lips.

"I knew you would Ano-chan, there isn't anyone else as well suited to this...ahem...sadistic mission as you are."

Ano bowed deeply. "I am honored my lady."

Tsunade chuckled at her theatrical display. "Hai! Hai! Dismissed my dear! Have a nice time!"

"Chow for now ladies!" Anko grinned at them over her shoulder as she exited the Hokage's office.

Tsunade grinned wildly and barked, "Alright girls, I've gutted the Uchiha's fortune for your future offspring, I've set up the Uchiha bastard to be beaten down and to settle down...are we cool now?"

Ino and Sakura nodded. "Cooler than cool."

* * *

Well, I have a busy weekend coming up- do you want to encourage me to post another chapter? Review, and your wish may be granted;)


	8. Chapter 8: Putty In Your Hands

Neko-Chan NyaNya : Lol, you're the best! Yosh, I freakin love Anko:)

Plain. Toast. II : Just you wait, Anko is going to crack you up:) But first, a word from the boys *wink*

I'm such a fan of this chapter- you gatta love those ninja boyz.

Well, in honor of Saturday, I edited my latest chapter over a cup of coffee, but I have to say I am a lil' sad at the slow pace of incoming reviews :( (excluding of course my favorite readers who _always_ review, you know who you are, much love!) After all, this story has gotten over 500 hits! So there's about 490 people who could take a little time to write a me a little something something:) I'd love to get some feedback about this- what could I be doing better to be getting more review-sters? Anyway, **I'll be holding out for 5 reviews until I upload the next chapter**, so please make your lil' author do a happy dance and write her a review:) Arigato!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto- if I did, you know my girl Anko would get a hell of a lot more screen time!

* * *

_You say hop and I'll hop/ You say stop and I'll stop,  
You say come and I come/ Oh anything you say I'm like a hunk of clay.  
I'm just like putty, putty in your hands ah-ah, well ah-ah._

_~Putty in Your Hands, Yardbirds_

Meanwhile, at the Konoha bar, a horde of male ninja were drowning their sorrows in alcohol.

Kiba's head was on the bar, his hand clenching a sake cup so hard his knuckles were white. "I just don't get it- what do girls _see_ in the pathetic excuse for a shinobi?"

Rock Lee answered through his hiccups, "Ah, I -hik- feel decidedly -hik- UNYOUTHFUL!" The young ninja started bawling. "Oh, GAI-SENSEI, I HAVE -hik- FAILED!"

Naruto smacked Lee over the head. "Shut up Lee."

Shino buzzed, "Naruto, you have no right to complain. You are the only one among us getting some."

Naruto quipped back, "Granted, but that Uchiha bastard has turned Hinata-chan into a monster, a complete and utter man-eating monster."

Kiba grimaced. "I know, what happened to my sweet, shy little team mate? I could cry. These days, when we're training, she's constantly up in my grill making fun of my manhood- or lack thereof!" Kiba moaned, whacking his head against the bar. Shino nodded in agreement, looking equally sullen.

Just then, Nara Shikamaru waltzed in. "Oi, guys, good news. Sasuke's going on a mission tomorrow- he's going to be out of the village for at _least_ a few months, if not more. Now is your chance men!"

Choji looked up from his lukewarm beer. "Shikamaru, we have no chance. Our lives are over. Everyone here is going to die a virgin, except for you and Naruto, who are alternatively doomed to be dominated by overly assertive wives with bad senses of humor. DOOOOOOMED!"

Shikamaru grimaced. "Just because I started dating Temari doesn't mean I'm going to marry her. And I'm sure once Hinata is removed from Sasuke's abrasive influence, she will regain some of her more...agreeable personality traits again. Anyway, quit complaining you pussies. Do you want to get the girls you like or not? Because I have a brilliant plan." The tactician grinned and sat on top of the bar counter, looking down at his sloshed comrades.

"Listen guys," Shikamaru began, leaning in towards his compatriots in a conspiratorial fashion, "What happens when girls get preggers?"

"They get fat?" Naruto pipped up. Shikamaru exhaled in disgust. _Baka!_

"Ok, let me spell this out for you. They get _hormonal_. They get _sad_, they get _cranky_ and _needy_ as all hell. And these girls don't have any partners to support them, because they banged that bastard Uchiha slut. And best of all-" Now Shikamaru's voice became a whisper, "They get _really really horny._ And now the object of their lust is leaving the village. In fact, I'm willing to bet that these girls are going to be so _desperate_ for love and attention, that they'll even consider dating you dweebs. All you have to do is cater to their every whim, and propose to them before that walking Uchiha trashcan returns."

There was a moment of silence as Shikamaru let his brilliant plan sink into the dense brains of his friends.

"Oi! Shikamaru! Don't chicks crave a lot of FOOD when they're preggers?"

"Hai!" Shikamaru winked at Choji, whose face was suddenly full of hope.

"Guys! I got to run! I'm going to buy a couple jars of pickles, some cartons of ice cream, and a dozen boxes of chocolate- I'm going to go console Ino! Finally, that girl will be willing to eat something besides lettuce leaves and vinegar! YOSH!"

"Ah, Choji-kun, that is most -hik- youthful -hik- !" Sighed Lee, still hiccuping. "Now Shikamaru, how do I get Sakura to love -hik- me?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! Shikamaru, you do realize you are sending them to their deaths! Because if they _do_ by some fucking _miracle_ get these girls to date them – let alone allow themselves to _marry _them!- they are going to be stuck raising that Uchiha bastard's babies!" Kiba, appalled, yelled his drunken revelation at Konoha's laziest ninja.

Shikamaru sighed. "It's that or dying old, alone, and a virgin."

Kiba weighted the choices in his head. "Yup, point taken. I'd take the latter."

Shikamaru grinned. "Now getting back to Lee-san's question, it's easy. Bring her lots of food, let her cry on your shoulder, like I said cater to her every whim. She'll be like putty in your hands."

"Hik- putty...-hik- in my hands?" Lee, who was always a bit slow on the uptake, was processing this new information. "YOSH!" Lee finally shouted, fisting the air and falling over onto the floor.

Kiba scratched his head. "Hm, well, guess I'll go see what Shizune is up to..."

Shino nodded and Shikamaru lifted an eyebrow, replying, "Did the Uchiha scum bucket knock her up to?"

Kiba grinned. "Nah, and I'd like to keep it that way. Later."

"Yosh! Kiba is full of the passion of YOUTH!" Lee proclaimed, fisting the air again from his position on the floor.

"Hmmm, it seems that I too need to make my move...especially while Kiba-kun is distracted elsewhere..."

Shikamaru's eyes got wide. "You don't mean Hana...**Inuzuka **Hana?"

Shino nodded. "I too, would like to take advantage of the fact that Sasuke isn't around...not that she would have any interest in him anyway. I keep her satisfied enough. I suppose truly, I'm taking advantage of the fact that Kiba-kun is busy. Later."

Shikamaru just shook his head, until the bartender asked him if he would _please _get his ass off the counter.

"Sheesh, this is all too troublesome. Oi, Lee, let's get you sobered up!" But at this point, Lee was passed out on the floor, snoring noisily.

"Troublesome."

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Alright folks, all you have to do is **review** and I will reward you with a new chapter, and with my undying love and affection! Chow for now!:)


	9. Chapter 9: Marry, Boff, Kill

Note about chapter title: I first learned about the game Marry Boff Kill from an episode of 30Rock (best show ever, besides Naruto, lol!).

Many many thanks to my wonderful reviewers!

Plain. Toast. II : Lol, I don't know if Hinata will every be cured! Especially because she is so enjoyable as a bad-ass!

Echo Uchiha : Thanks!

Neko-Chan NyaNya : Lol, the dweebs finally get a chance to get laid:)

otaku-kage: happy dance, happy dance, happy happy happy happy dance! Wow, I think that was the nicest lil' review I've ever gotten! *Wipes tear away from eye* Arigato!

This story has gotten like **650** hits so far, so glad you like it! For all those readers out there who are still keeping quiet, I invite you to come and review- your reviews make me sooooooo happy:) And I promise I'll update after I get 5 lil' reviewsters (after my happy dance of course!)

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Naruto, if I did I'd be rolling in dough!

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Later that week, at the very same bar, a collection of Kunoichi were gathered around a table in a private room, sharing sake and non-alcoholic cider. Sakura took a sip of the cider and sighed. "I really wish I could be getting drunk gals, but I have an alien life form gestating in my guts- otherwise known as Saskue's baby." Sakura grimaced.

"Ew, billboard, it's a baby, not a _parasite_!" Ino called, patting her own stomach. "Sheesh, at least it'll be good looking...and rich!" Ino winked.

Hinata guffawed, the unfamiliar noise from her usually meek voice startling her companions. "I still can't believe you guys slept with him."

Ino stuck out her tongue. "I can't believe you let your _boyfriend_ sleep with Sasuke!"

Another very unlady-like guffaw left Hinata's throat. "Well, at least my _boyfriend_ didn't get _knocked up!_" She laughed hysterically.

Sakura considered punching her OOC friend, but instead chuckled quietly. "Touche, Hinata-chan. But I dare say the only reason you didn't fuck Sasuke yourself is because you two are too similar when it comes to being sadistic."

Hinata had the decency to blush. "Hai, it is a latent talent that Sasuke has helped me to develop."

"Well, I for one am proud of you Hinata- getting over your shyness, that's a great thing!" Tenten replied, patting Hinata on the back.

"Arigato! Likewise, I'm glad you got over your shyness and started dating my cousin!" Hinata replied in a sing song voice. Tenten's hand froze, hovering above Hinata's back in mid-pat.

"NO WAY!" Sakura and Ino both chimed.

Tenten sighed. _Thanks a lot Hinata, I think I actually do miss the days when you were too shy to be a pain in my ass. _"Hai. Even though I personally had no interest in shtupping the Uchiha slut, Neji got really overprotective of me and said we should just pretend to date so Sasuke would leave me alone." She sighed, a light blush creeping into her face. "One thing led to another...and now we are kind of dating for real." She shot Hinata a warning look. "Try and keep it on the down low, k?"

Hinata snorted. "It was hardly on the down low before when you were just acting- after all, you were trying to throw Sasuke off the trail, and furthermore I even saw some public displays of affection between you and Neji long after the farce was over..."

Sighing, Tenten nodded. "Hai...hai...hai."

Ino and Sakura laughed. "Well, that's great Tenten!" Ino squealed. "Although I have to admit, I am a bit jealous of you...having a boyfriend and all. Having a baby by yourself...sucks."

Hinata wagged a finger at her. "But haven't you been spending an awful lot of time with Choji? I even heard he brought you chocolates..."

"Oh that- nah, we're just friends! And Choji's been so great, he's been bringing me food every day, and since I have this lil' bun in the oven and I'm going to be a fat cow anyway, we've been totally munching and watching movies together. It's been soooooo mellow. If it weren't for Choji-kun, I'd swear all men were pigs like Sasuke no bastard. Ugh, I'm so happy Sasuke left town for a few months, I hope he freakin dies. But yeah, anyway, Choji is totally the best."

Sakura snorted. "Yo, Ino, listen to yourself. You want to murder Sasuke and marry Choji!"

Ino blushed a nice ripe shade of embarrassed.

"Some one is in lo-ove!" Sang Tenten.

Ino brushed aside their teasing with her hand. "Seriously, we're just friends!" Ino laughed, but Sakura and the others could tell it was strained. "Besides, what guy would want me now? Hello, used goods here! Ha, ha, heh."

Sakura cringed and put her arm around friend. "Hey, Ino-chan, don't say that. You aren't an old hag yet! Besides," Sakura continued, rubbing her friend's back, "Choji is the kind of guy who would marry you even though you are preggers with that Uchiha bastard's kid. I'm serious. Choji is a good man...I think he is _totally _into you."

Hinata giggled. "This reminds me of the game, marry-boff-kill. Let's do it!"

Tenten laughed, "K. I'd marry Neji, boff Kakashi-sensei, kill Sasuke."

Sakura chimed in, "Good one! I'd marry Rock Lee, boff Kakashi-sensei, and murder Sasuke- but not before I tortured him so that he died very, very slowly and painfully."

Ino raised an eyebrow. "You'd both boff Kakashi Sensei huh? Well, can't say I'm surprised that you'd both murder Sasuke, but Sakura-chan, you'd marry Rock Leeeee? For reals?"

Sakura nodded. "Unlike Sasuke no douchebag, Lee-san treats me well, he's not into kinky weird-ness, he's kind and considerate, and he's actually a trustworthy person."

Ino's other eyebrow arched to meet the first. "How do _you_ know he's not into kinky weird-ness?" Then Ino added, hissing quietly, "Unlike some Uchiha I-was-molested-by-a-snake-perve-and-now-I'm-into-freaky-shit-asswipe I know."

Sakura blushed, her cheeks matching the color of her hair. "Ummm...we kind of hooked up a few times...yeah...I'm into him."

"OMG! OMFG!" Ino squealed.

"Shut up pig, if you weren't pregnant I'd punch you right now!"

Just then, a blond Kunoichi with bushy pigtails walked into the room, slammed her beer onto the table, sat down, and propped her feet onto the table. "Hey girls, sorry I'm fucking late."

"Whoa, soldier, what's got your panties in a twist?" Ino asked, genuinely concerned.

"Nothing. Except that my fucking boyfriend is damn _troublesome_. Enough about that, I'd boff Kiba, marry...I dunno...hmm, Kakashi's hot and has manners, and I'd murder Shikamaru. And Sasuke. I'd definitely murder both of them. But Shikamaru first."

Hinata made a low whistling sound. "Girl, sounds like Shikamaru fucked some shit up."

Temari nodded and gulped down her beer in one go. "Yup. Who's next?"

Hinata grinned. "I'd boff Naruto, marry Naruto, and fucking murder the Uchiha bastard." Temari raised an eyebrow. "Two points Hyuga- one, you can't both boff and marry the same person, it's against the rules. Two, since when did you use the word 'fuck' in a sentence, or even multiple times in one night? And while we're at it, why do you want to murder Sasuke, I thought you guys were tight?"

Hinata met her quizzical glance with a smile. "Well, one, I can marry and boff whomever I want, I'm fly like that. Two, I've been hanging with Sasuke and becoming assertive, it's true. And three, while I do hang with Sasuke, I'm still pissed at him for what he did to Sakura and Ino. However, I probably wouldn't murder him in the end because he's hilarious and also because my sister is trying to marry him, Kami help her." Hinata rolled her eyes. "She'd be better off with someone else, Sasuke is too twisted for her."

Sakura looked at Hinata sideways. "Um...your sister?"

Hinata nodded. "She has delusions of grandeur about becoming the head of two clans...and my father is only encouraging her. Bunch of idiots. But anyway, Sasuke has no interest in becoming a pawn of the Hyuga through marriage, he just wants Hanabi to have his babies." Hinata sighed. "Which she is. Can you believe it, she's going to have mother fucking _twins._ Hmm so maybe that's also why I want to murder him...it's complicated. Anyway, that's why the only person I'm boffing and or marrying is Naruto, he's a good apple. Unlike that Uchiha bastard."

Temari gave her a drunken thumbs up from across the table. "Thanks for the dissertation Hyuga-sama. Ino, you're the last one to go!"

"Shit guys, I think it's pretty much boff Sasuke...then murder Sasuke...and marry...Choji-kun...heh heh..." Ino sheepishly hid her blushing cheeks in her hands. "Is that crazy?"

Sakura raised her glass. "I propose a toast- here's to boffing hot men, then murdering them praying-mantis style, then marrying decent respectable men. Cheers!"

The Kunoichi all clinked glasses. "CHEERS!"

* * *

Like what you see? Make your author do her happy dance and write a lil' review! *Happy dance ensues*

Also, I _finally_ finished my comic masterpiece, **"No Limes, Lemons, Oranges, or Pomelos"**- if you haven't checked it out, I know you'll love it:) Chow for now!


	10. Chapter 10: Cat Who Swallowed the Canary

Heya! Welcome back! This story has gotten the most visitors out of any of my stories- over 350 visitors (not hits!), so that's pretty hot!

Plain. Toast. II : So glad you are enjoying it! I so look forward to your reviews!

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dazynl8 : You are the best girl. The best!

After much wait, here is the next chapter! It's a shorty, so I'll try to get another chapter up in a day or two:)

* * *

Many months later, who should enter through the village gates but Anko, Sai, and Sasuke. The former -Anko and Sai- looked like the proverbial cats who just swallowed the canary: the latter looked more like the canary. All three were travel weary. It was a rainy evening, not a hard rain but a thick, foggy drizzle that invaded the bones, chilling the travelers to the core. As they made their way to the Hokage's office, Sasuke couldn't help but overhear the villagers whisper-

"There goes that Uchiha slut-"

"Uchiha bastard-"

"Hide your daughters! _You-know-who_ is back!"

"Hn." Sasuke pretended he did not hear those hushed remarks and the doors slamming closed; he pretended he did not see his traveling companions grinning like idiots. He also pretended not to see Anko pat her swelling belly.

"Ah, my little Sasuke-kun, isn't nice to be home!" Anko put one arm around the sullen bastard, and with the other arm she messed up his hair. "Don't be such a grump!"

Sasuke silently rolled his eyes. _Maybe I should have stayed a rouge nin...hn._

Finally, they reached the Hokage's office. Tsunade stated, "I trust the mission was a success?", while eyeing Anko's belly. Anko grinned. "Hai, Hokage-sama!"

Tsunade thought to herself, _I can just tell from the brat's expression that this mission was waaaaay too much fun for Anko. Kami, wish I could have been there myself to see the hilarity go down._

"Well done. You two are dismissed. Anko, I'd like to hear your report in private."

After the men had left, Anko's laughter bellowed out of her. "Oh, Hokage-sama, I haven't had that much fun torturing a man since-"

The Hogake waved her hand, "I do _not_ want to hear the end of that sentence, TMI as the young ones say. I want to know if you're going to get that kid to settle down!"

Anko winked at her. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to be a married woman!" Anko held out her hand and showed off a lovely sapphire ring. "And in case you're wondering, I proposed to him. Multiple times. Honestly, getting this ring on my finger was like fighting a long war of attrition."

Tsunade barked a laugh. "Anko, I can see you are going to have many years of happiness nagging the shit out of that Uchiha bastard. And I'll be offended if I'm not the one to officiate at your wedding."

Anko bowed, laughing all the while. "We would be honored, Hokage-sama!"

Elsewhere, a soggy Uchiha bastard made his way through the village to his apartment. All he wanted to do was shave, shower, and sleep, in that order. He didn't want to deal with anything else. His life was over. He was going to marry a domineering, insane- no _psychotic!- _ woman whose only goal in life was to _own_ and _torture _him. Shudder. _What have I gotten myself into?_ Lost in thoughts dyed the color of emo depression, Sasuke stalked through the village, shoulders hunched, staring down at the puddles on the ground.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, welcome home!"

_Oh great, I'm doomed. It's my number one fan girl._

Sakura walked up to Sasuke and flicked him on the forehead.

"Hn."

She took his hand and put it on her belly. "Don't get the wrong idea, the kid wants to say hi, not me." Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What...?" Suddenly, he felt a little kick. "You were gone almost 5 months..." Sakura replied, sheepishly. "The little sucker's got legs and stuff..."

Sasuke smiled. Probably his first real smile in at least 10 years. He looked up at Sakura, who ruffled his hair. "I guess you're right junior," she said, rubbing her tummy, "Daddy's not so bad after all." She looked up at him and winked. "Just so you know Sasuke-kun, I'm engaged to Rock Lee, so I won't be having any more of your lil' babes. And we've got to work out some visitation stuff for you- I'd like for you to be a part of this little brat's life. But if you so much as try to seduce me, I'll kill you. I mean it, I have no compunctions about killing you, even if you are the father of this child. Kapish?"

Sasuke scratched his head. "Hn. Probably Anko would kill me again after I was already dead from you. I'm...engaged...too. To Anko. Yeah."

Sakura's eye's widened. "That's great Sasuke-kun! Oh, I should throw a little party for you guys! This is great! I would actually feel comfortable being your _friend_ again if Anko has you under control! Oh this is so wonderful, well, see you later Uchiha-kun!"

"Hn. Later." Sasuke felt somewhat dazed as he watched the pink-haired kunoichi skip away. He thought he heard a "cha!" in the distance, but he just shook his head, not sure if he had just ended up in some strange, alternate universe. Sighing, he continued on his way home. He felt an unfamiliar, burning sensation on his face. Fearing he might have a fever, he rushed the rest of the way and took his temperature. After dealing with the uncomfortable piece of glass under his tongue for as long as he could stand, he read his temperature- normal. He looked in the mirror.

_If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was blushing..._Sasuke thought miserably, before jumping in the shower. He wasn't sure if he had ever blushed before in his life.

* * *

Aw, he's so cute when he's not an emotionless bastard, don't you think? I know this was short, but I promise the next chapter is going to be a riot!

Also, some news- I've got a new story up called "Aint Nobody That Can Sing Like Me", if you feel like checking it out, I'd love to have you there!

Ok, please read and review my friends! It would be most kind:)


	11. Chapter 11: Life Of The Party

Hello folks! You are going to love this chapter, let me tell ya:) I'd like to dedicate this next chapter to dazynl8 for all her wonderful, wild, insane, heartfelt, and humorous reviews. YOU ROCK! O/\O cyber high five!

I'd also like to thank:

Echo Uchiha :)

FireStarDragon1019 Arigato!

Plain. Toast. II Isn't Sasuke-kun just adorable under that woman's thumb? ADORABLE!

Thanks all to my subscribers, and to the folks who added this story to their favorites. Arigato!

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it- and believe me, I really enjoyed writing it!

* * *

Sasuke just finished his 5th drink.

It had only been an hour since the party began.

He wasn't sure how much longer he was going to last.

"Come on hun, lighten up!" Anko elbowed him in the side, smiling evilly. She refilled his glass.

"I'm not sure you're not trying to drug me."

Anko rolled her eyes. "I don't need to drug you to get you to do what I want you to do. I've already beaten manners into you, and I'm pretty sure I already have your balls in a vice. So relax."

"Hn. You really know how to make me _relax_."

Ignoring the irony, she winked. "Yep."

Sasuke thought hopelessly, _She takes pure delight in ruining my life. I'm a condemned man._

Just then Temari and Shikamaru came over to the newly engaged couple. "Congrats you two! If anyone can make this emo bastard happy through constant beat down and torture, it's you Anko-chan!" Tenten beamed at Anko, who returned her oh-so-bright-smile. Sasuke closed his eyes. He was getting a migraine from all the sunny dispositions lighting up the room. Seeing his comrade's pain, Shikamaru snorted. "Hey bro, I feel ya. Congrats. I guess." That last part was whispered under his breath, so only Sasuke would hear. Shikamaru continued, "We should play Shogi together sometime. It would give us a break from things that are _troublesome_."

_And if by things you mean our respective fiances, then yes, it would give us a break from troublesome women._ Sasuke caught his drift and nodded. "Sounds nice, Nara."

Sasuke looked out over the room. He saw Sakura and Ino giggling together, drinking iced tea and being doted on by Lee and Choji, respectively. _I'll never know how those two losers managed to get engaged to the best looking kunoichi in Konoha._

Anko elbowed him in the side, as if she could read his thoughts and knew he hadn't included her in the category of "best looking women in Konoha". She eyed him the way a cat might playfully eye a mouse. _Damn her._

"Well, Sasuke-kun, why don't you introduce me to the rest of your unborn progeny?" Sasuke nodded. Sighing, he took Anko's arm and brought her over to where he had been staring only moments before.

"Oi, Sasuke-kun, Anko-chan! Congrats!" Ino beamed up at the couple.

"Hn." Sasuke mumbled.

Anko elbowed him in the ribs. "He means thanks, Ino-chan! Isn't that right, _sweeheart_?"

Sasuke gulped. "Thanks Ino-chan. Congrats to you and Choji-san as well on your recent engagement." Sasuke shot Anko an evil look, but it just caused her smile to broaden. _This woman is going to be the death of me..._ But Sasuke didn't have time to brood for long, because Sakura came over and hit him over the head with her monstrous strength.

Rubbing the swollen bump on his head, Sasuke muttered, "Nani?"

Sakura laughed, "Hn. Just because." Sasuke groaned inwardly. _I am now surrounded by troublesome women who are all carrying my children, and they are going to torture me the rest of my life._

"Hai! Sakura-chan, that was most youthful!" Rock Lee embraced his fiance and kissed her passionately on the mouth. Sasuke thought sardonically, _It looks like he's trying to suck her soul out of her body via her lips. Hn._ Anko elbowed him in the side again, as if she _knew_ what he was thinking. Sasuke just shook his head, miserable.

Anko's eyes scrunched up in laughter and retorted, "Ah, Sasuke-kuuun, you know you love being miserable." She grabbed his ass, but Sasuke's look of surprise had more to do with her mind reading abilities. Ino giggled and winked at Anko in a conspiratorial fashion, but before Sasuke could wrap his mind around that, Anko proclaimed (a bit loudly for his taste), "So friends, I haven't been around in months- fill me in on how you guys all got together!"

Ino put her arms around Choji and smiled. "I'm just surprised me and Choj didn't get together earlier! I must be the densest girl in Konoha- I've been in love with this guy my whole life, but it took me this long to figure it out!"

"Aw, shucks sweetie." Choji blushed and planted a modest kiss on Ino's cheek. She ruffled his hair affectionately and continued, "It's true. You've always been there for me...and I was too blinded by _superficial_ things..." Sasuke took _superficial things_ to be referring to _him_, and he could feel a slight blush forming on his cheeks. _Damn cheeks. Damn women. Damn blushing. Damn damn damn! _Sasuke thought sullenly.

Choji laughed. "Nothing cataclysmic happened to get us together. I just wanted to take care of Ino as she was...going through a hard time, and everything just came together..." Sasuke's blush increased as he understood that the phrase "hard times", again, politely pointed to Sasuke.

Sakura cheered as Ino stopped Choji's mouth with a kiss. "You guys are the cutest!"

Choji broke away from the kiss and smiled. "Well, I couldn't let my best friend raise a baby all by herself."

Sasuke snorted and changed the subject. "So Sakura-chan, how did you end up with...Lee-san?" He was going to say "the keebler elf ninja" but Anko had stopped him with a death glare.

"Yosh! It was most youthful! Allow me to tell the tale, Sakura-chan! I heard that Sakura-chan was pregnant, and wanted to make sure she had everything she needed; I offered to come over and cook dinner for her everyday, and to my surprise she accepted!"

"Oh Lee-kun, you're being too modest! Besides, how could I say no when you showed up with flowers, chocolates, and 2 pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream? How did you even know that was my favorite flavor! It was so thoughtful of you, I've never had anyone take such good care of me as you have these past few months." At this she looked over at Sasuke and stuck her tongue out at him, in such a way that Lee wouldn't see. "I don't know where I'd be without you."

Sasuke, for some unknown reason, was beginning to feel like ass. Or he was feeling like _an_ ass, he wasn't sure which one. _How am I, the legendary and amazing Uchiha, getting overshadowed by these chumps? _Anko leaned over, and to all outward appearances leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek; in actuality, she hissed in his ear, "_Don't be so full of yourself, daaaaarling."_

He shot her a look of pure terror- _How does she __**know?**_

"So Anko-chan, how did you and Sasuke-kun hook up?"  
Anko's mouth turned up in a sly grin. _Pure evil incarnate_ Sasuke thought mournfully. Anko wrapped her arm around Sasuke's back and _pinched his ass_ in such a way so all of his friends _could_ see. Sasuke groaned inwardly, mortified, as Anko took up the thread of conversation.

"Well, we were on a long, boring mission...and I got, well, bored. And...hmmm...decided to go after my _prey._" She affectionately swatted Sasuke on the head. "Getting him to accept my marriage proposal took some work, but eventually I wore him down. I couldn't be happier!"

_Sadistic woman_ Sasuke moaned to himself.

Anko grabbed his butt again as Sakura cooed, "Well, I couldn't be happier for the two of you- I think you're just perfect together!"

Ino chimed in, "Tell us about when you proposed Anko-chan!"

Anko flashed a toothy grin. "We had just set up camp for the day, and Sasuke here was concentrating on setting up his tent. I crept up slowly behind him, tackled him, put a kunai up to this throat, and told him to marry me or die." Anko laughed throatily. "That was just the first time I asked him." She winked at Sasuke.

Sakura and Ino broke out into hysterical laughter- Choji looked startled, but Lee fisted the air- "Ah, the passion of YOUTH!"

Sasuke closed his eyes as Anko continued. "As I recall, that night after I popped the question we had quite the- ahem- sparring match."

At this point, Ino and Sakura were rolling on the floor with laughter; Choji's face turned beat red, and Lee yelled, "Ah, it is most youthful to spar. You two must be on equal terms when it comes to sparring."

Anko winked at Lee, who obviously was _not_ the brightest crayon in the box. "Oh, Sasuke's pretty _talented_, yes, definitely a _prodigy _when it comes down to it, but I'd say that I _dominate_ him in our _sparring!"_ Anko began to chortle.

Lee, still in the dark, proclaimed, "Ah, Anko, you must truly be a formidable opponent to beat the infamous Uchiha Sasuke in sparring matches."

"Hai, Lee-san, I believe he enjoys it very much when I _beat_ him, over and over again, in our _sparring_ matches. He's...into that kind of thing!"

By now, the two Kunoichi on the floor were crying profusely between their fits of laughter. Sasuke grimly thought that he no longer had any claim to manhood.

"Oi! Sakura-chan! Ino-chan! Are you two alright?" Lee asked, concerned as he noticed their tears.

Choji muttered, "Don't worry Lee, they're...ahem...fine." Regardless, both men helped their respective fiances to stand up again.

Sakura managed to say, between bouts of hysterical laughter, "Oh- don't mind me Anko-chan, ha-ha-ha, I don't know what came over me! Please, continue with your story! What happened the _next_ time you proposed to Sasuke-kuuuun?"

"Hmmm, well I proposed so many times, I can't seem to remember them in chronological order, so I'll just tell you my favorite time! Sasuke-kun was fishing in a nearby stream. I henged myself to look like a snake and slithered up to him, and before he knew what hit him, I had him completely bound up in snakes. I kept dunking his head in the water, and when he came up for air I'd pop the question. When he said no, I put his head under again- ah fun times!"

"Ah, and did you- haha- _spar_ again after that?" Asked Ino, much too gleefully for Sasuke's taste.

Anko winked. "Indeed, we sparred right there in the water!"

Lee nodded, "Ah, that is quite youthful indeed!"

Sasuke mumbled, "I need to go get some fresh air _honey_, be back-"  
"Oh but Sasuke-kuuuuuun, before you go out tell them about when I proposed to you and you finally said yes!" Anko winked.

Sasuke blushed. "Um...Anko _dearest_, that story isn't really fit for public...darling...hn."

Sakura and Ino's eyes both bugged out of their heads. Before he was forced to relive his sexual exploits (yeah... that night had been special...he blushed just thinking about it. Icha Icha Makeout Tactics didn't hold a candle to what Anko did to him that night) in front of his former fan girls, he made a quick exit.

As he stepped outside, he took a long gulp of the cool night air, and realized the air smelled cloyingly of tobacco. "Oi, Nara, you out here?"

"Oi, Uchiha, over here." Sasuke made his way over to a nearby oak tree, where Shikamaru was currently hiding.

"Hey man, can I bum one of those?" Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief when the Nara nodded and handed him a cigarette.

"Having a tough time with the lady folk?"

Sasuke nodded. "You don't know the half of it. I think I just signed myself up for a life of misery with that woman."

Shikamaru took a long drag of tobacco and exhaled with a sigh. "Hai, women are troublesome." He passed Sasuke the lighter.

As he fumbled with his cigarette, Sasuke asked his companion, "How do you managed to stay with your girlfriend and not go completely insane?"

Shikamaru mulled over the question in his mind before he spoke. "Well, I suppose it's possible that I'm already insane and thus that is why I stay with such a scarey woman. Then again, I do love her, in spite of _or_ because of her sadistic characteristics I'll never know. Finally...the sex is damn good." The Nara shrugged.

"Hn. Never thought we'd have so much in common Shikamaru."

The Nara punched Sasuke playfully in the shoulder as he replied, "Of course, not only do you have your fiance to deal with, but you are also at the mercy of all the many mothers of your children."

Sasuke took a long drag. "Hn. I'm in for a long life of pain."

Shikamaru nodded. "I wouldn't trade places with you for all the tea in China."

"Hn."

* * *

Tune in next time for the most epic epilogue, "10 years later..."!

Like what you see? Want more? Read and review! Hooray!


	12. Ch 12 epilogue 1: Otousan No Bastard

Welcome back! Thanks all so much for your rad reviews- I don't have the space to thank you all individually here, but much love and gratitude to you all!

Anyway, I thought this would help for the epilogue:

Guide To My OC's (Own Characters)

(note: underlined characters play a major role)

**Sasuke's Random Kids:**

Akahana- lit, "red rose". Sakura and Sasuke's kid. At time of epilogue 10 years old

Kaminari- literally, "thunder", daughter of Ino and Sasuke, about 10 years old

Isamu- lit., "bravery" Son of Sasuke and Hanabi, Chie's twin. About 10.

Chie- lit, "wisdom", Daughter of Sasuke and Hanabi, Isamu's twin. About 10.

**Sasauke's Kids with Anko:**

Itatchi- Anko + Sasuke's first kid. About 10 years old

Misao- name literally means "fidelity". Second son of Anko + Sasuke, age 8

Rena- literally means "reborn", third child of Anko + Sasuke, age 5

**Naruto + Hinata's kids:**

Minato: son about 9 years old

Kushina: daughter about 7 years old

Yasuyo- lit., "peaceful era", daughter, about 2 years old

**Ino + Choji's kid:**

Cho- lit, "butterfly", daughter, 8 years old

**Sakura + Lee's kids:**

Midori- lit, "green", daughter, about 7

Michio- lit., "road of life", son, named for Kakashi, about 5

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...!

* * *

"Otousan-BASTARD, you said you were going to _train_ me today!" A small, pink haired kunoichi, wearing a pink dress with lime green trim, pointed at him in an accusatory fashion.

Sasuke sighed. "Akahana, I _am_ training you!"

Sasuke couldn't help but think how cute his daughter was as she wrinkled up her nose at him in protest. It was as if someone had taken the best parts of Sasuke and Sakura and put them together to form this beautiful creature, with waist long pink braids, eyes that were like dark velvet pools, and a temper that was all-to-reminiscent of Sakura-chan. Her full name was Haruno Akahana- Sakura thought it would be better for the child to have her clan name- but on the back of Akahana's dress, the Haruno and Uchiha clan signs were interwoven. The color scheme, of course, reflected Sakura and Lee's taste more than anyone else's- Sasuke wouldn't have picked a _pink_ tunic to go with _lime green_ leggings, but somehow Sakura-chan managed to make the color-scheme work. Sasuke snorted to himself- _Akahana would look good no matter what she wears- she's my little girl after all._

"Otousan-Bastard, I want to throw kunai or work on my sharingan- how is concentrating on a leaf _training?_"

"First of all, Akahana-_chan_, concentration and patience are basic ninja skills. Second, quit calling me Otousan-_Bastard_."

Sasuke felt the warm-fuzzy feeling he had just a moment ago transform into mild irritation.

"But mommy calls you Sasuke-no-bastard all the time." The tiny kunoichi whined.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Do you want me to train you or not? Let's do this exercise until your siblings show up, then we'll work on taijutsu, ok?"

"But daddy, mommy says you _have_ to train me no matter what! So there!" She stuck her tongue again.

"True, your lovely mother Sakura-chan is right, so I guess your training today could be picking up garbage or locating lost cats." He glared down at her.

That shut her up- Akahana started concentrating on the leaf taped onto her forehead again. Sasuke sighed.

Just then, a horde of tiny ninja shouted.

"Ohio, Otousaaaaan!"

"Ohio, Sasuke-sensei!"

"Sorry we're late, Uchiha-bastard!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Kaminari-chan, I don't care what Ino says, if you call me that one more time I will put you in an unpleasant genjutsu." Sasuke eyed the brat Kaminari, giving her his best impression of a death stare. Kaminari was dressed in a lapis-blue tunic and leggings, her long blonde hair drawn up in a similar fashion to her mother's. Kaminari returned her father's glance with equal venom, her coal-black eyes squinting up at him in consternation. Sasuke ignored her and continued, "Ohio, trolls. I promised your sister-"

"Half sister!" Both Isamu and Chie, the children of Hanabi, chimed in as Sasuke gestured towards Akahana. The twins grinned up at him, their white eyes locking with his. Their matching black pants and tank tops were tastefully embellished with the Hyuga symbol, their hair was neatly combed, and their faces sparkled at the chance to annoy their father.

"I promised Akahana," Sasuke replied dryly, not missing a beat, "that we'd practice our taijutsu today. But where, pray tell, are Itachi and Misao?" Itachi and Misao were his children he had with Anko, and they were 10 and 8, respectively, while the rest of the brats standing at his feet were about 10.

The genin were silent and all looked down at the ground.

"Don't tell me they went picking a fight with Minato and Kushina _again_?" Surely the reader can surmise that Minato, age 9, and Kushina, age 7, are the children of Naruto and Hinata.

"Whatever Otousan-bas...I mean, Otousan-sensei, I'll bet Minato was freakin ask for it. And you _know_ Kushina isn't the one picking the fight." Akahana spoke up, ripping the leaf from her forehead. "Can we spar now? Please? And maybe as an extra treat you'll let me kick Itachi and Misao's asses for being late when they finally show up? Pleeeeeeeease!"

Sasuke threw a shuriken at her, which she promptly dodged. "Ok, here's the plan for today. Akahana, I want you to spar with Kaminari -"

"Oi! Akahana! I'm so going to kick your ass, you pink and green eyesore."

"Kaminari, you are as good as dead you fat-"

"GIRLS! You can kill each other as soon as I'm done talking. Chie, Isamu, I want you to _watch_ these two bakas spar and make sure they don't actually do any lethal damage. Step in if necessary my dears. After they are done, I want Akahana and Kaminari to watch you two spar, since you're obviously light-years ahead of them." Actually, it was unfair, since the twins had been doing a lot of training with their grandfather Hiashi, but it didn't hurt to goad Akahana and Kaminari on.

"Otousaaaaaan!" Akahana and Kaminari whined in stereo.

"If you don't want me to say disparaging remarks, then train harder. Now spar- I'm going to make sure the rest of my progeny aren't killing the Hokage's brats." The four barked out laughter at that.

Sasuke sighed. "Don't laugh Isamu, Chie, those bakas are _your _cousins after all. Get to work trolls, I'll be back soon."

Sasuke raced off to where he _knew_ Itachi and Misao were fucking around. Sure enough, he saw four small figures on top of the Hokage monument. Before he busted up the party, he masked his chakra and hid behind the children.

"Minato, you are such a fucking jerk!" Screamed Itachi. Sasuke flinched- he and Anko _ really _needed to clean up their language at home. Sasuke had to smile though, seeing his son so flustered- out of all his children, Itachi was truly his spiting image. Unfortunately, he also had inherited Sasuke's emo disposition along with his mother's frightful temper.

"Whatever butt-face, you know what I said is true!" Minato brandished a finger in Itachi's face, bright blue eyes flashing with anger. His spiky blond hair bore a striking resemblance to a certain ramen-freak Sasuke knew.

"Mi-minato, p-please stop, we're going to get in trouble again! Stop being such a j-jerk!" Kushina took her brother's arm and begged. Unlike Minato, Kushina looked nothing like her namesake- her long raven hair fell down to her waist, and her white, pupil-less eyes were full of worry.

Minato looked ready to capitulate into his sister's demands, but then the second Uchiha chimed in.

"I don't care what you say about _our_ father, but _your_ dad is a complete idiot, dead last, his brain is full of _ramen_ for goodness sake!" Misao bellowed, his smaller frame trembling with anger. Misao looked more like his mother, with shoulder length brown hair and softer features. Like most of his other children besides the Hyuga twins, Misao had Sasuke's dark eyes. Say what you will about Misao, but the kid was loyal to his brother to a fault- _especially_ considering that Itachi was usually stirring up trouble.

"That's IT!" Minato roared. "RASENGAN!"

Sasuke leaped and grabbed his arm before the child could form the full rasengan. "Oi, Minato, it's impressive that you can summon up a rasengan at your age, but don't you think it's a bit risky to play around with that on top of the Hokage monument? After all, you could crack your name-sake's face..."

Minato looked up at the Uchiha in horror. "Eeep!" Was all that came out of his mouth, his bright blue eyes full of terror.

"Dad! Minato just insulted the family honor by calling you-"

Sasuke waved Itachi's complaint away. "Don't care. Minato, Kushina, would you like to come train with my two brats today? We're working on taijutsu. Think of it as an appropriate way to beat the crap out of my son...if you can." Sasuke winked.

"Hai! We would be honored, Sasuke-sama!" Kushina chimed in, always one to try and keep the peace. Minato just glowered at her.

Sasuke sighed. "Kushina-chan, I wish you'd simply call me 'uncle', or just plain old Sasuke..."

But Dad-" Itachi whined.

"Shut it son. Let's go trolls, you two are late for training today." Itachi's face turned bright red. "Hai, Otousan! Gomen nasai!"

"So," Sasuke stated, "You two coming?"

Minato and Kushina nodded.

* * *

So this epilogue became very epic, as I've mentioned before- look forward to more soon!

Like it? Please let me know via a review:) Arigato!


	13. Ch13 ep2:Help Kill My Biological Father

Many thanks to my wonderful readers, especially:

dazynl8 : Thanks so much! Man, I worked my butt off on these OC's!

heehee, thanks!

Neko-Chan NyaNya : damn girl you make a hell of a cupcake! Thanks!

maxridelover : :)

Alright everyone, wanted to see the Shika x Tema kid, and I'll come clean- this epilogue is five parts, yes, five full chapters long, and I kind of just ran out of brain power to talk about everyone's kids. That being said, perhaps I'll come back to this story and write another chapter about the kids and include everyone this time! So below is the **full** list of my OC's, some of which do not appear in the epic epilogue as of yet, including shika x tema's babe:) You're going to love the name. When we get to the end of the epilogue in a few days, you can let me know if you want more, and I'll write an epilogue to the epilogue just for you, because I'm insane like that! XD!

Ok, here's the full list of OC's:

**Sasuke's Random Kids:**

Akahana- lit, "red rose". Sakura and Sasuke's kid. At time of epilogue 10 years old

Kaminari- literally, "thunder", daughter of Ino and Sasuke, about 10 years old

Isamu- lit., "bravery" Son of Sasuke and Hanabi, Chie's twin. About 10.

Chie- lit, "wisdom", Daughter of Sasuke and Hanabi, Isamu's twin. About 10.

**Sasauke's Kids with Anko:**

Itatchi- Anko + Sasuke's first kid. About 10 years old

Misao- name literally means "fidelity". Second son of Anko + Sasuke, age 8

Rena- literally means "reborn", third child of Anko + Sasuke, age 5

**Naruto + Hinata's kids:**

Minato: son about 9 years old

Kushina: daughter about 7 years old

Yasuyo- lit., "peaceful era", daughter, about 2 years old

**Ino + Choji's kid:**

Cho- lit, "butterfly", daughter, 8 years old

**Sakura + Lee's kids:**

Midori- lit, "green", daughter, about 7

Michio- lit., "road of life", son, named for Kakashi, about 5

**Shikamaru and Temari**

Ozora- lit, "wide sky", son, about 7

**Tenten + Neji**

setsuna- lit, "calm snow", about 8

And now, onwards!

* * *

Chapter 13: Epilogue part 2, "Help Me Kill My Biological Father!"

When Sasuke returned to the training field, he was met by the sheepish grins of Isamu and Chie, who stood over the passed-out bodies of Akahana and Kaminari. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Let me help, Sasuke-san." Kushina offered. _Such a sweet girl, just like her mother._

Chie spoke up, "Ohio Kushina-chan, I've already checked their chakra systems for any serious injury- thankfully, they just happened to punch each other's lights out." Kushina nodded and offered her two fallen comrades first aid. "Arigato cousin.", Kushina mumbled, green light surrounded her palms as she worked on Akahana's brow. Said kunoichi's eyes fluttered open. "'Shina-chan?"

Kushina sighed. "I wish you'd be more careful Akahana-chan, what are you going to do when you're in battle and I'm not around?" Akahana rolled her eyes.

"What do you say, Akahana-chan?" Sasuka called.

Akahana sighed. "Arigato, Kushina-chan." Embarrassed, Akahana blushed the color of her pink hair.

Kushina then worked a bit on Kaminari, who barred her teeth when she came to. "WHERE'S AKAHANA!" She roared.

"Shut up Kaminari, stop being such a pain!" Moaned Isamu, hiding his face behind his hands. "I can't believe I'm related to such a spaz!" He continued.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Kids, I'm assuming Chie and Isamu didn't get to spar yet? Alright, you two go at it and we'll watch." Sasuke didn't have to worry about Chie and Isamu trying to kill each other. Fortunately, unlike some _other_ brats he taught, Chie and Isamu's mother had raised them to be courteous and reasonable children. In fact, the twins were a perfect team of "bravery" and "wisdom", who were _usually_ able to keep their cool unless they hung out with Akahana and Kaminari too long...

"Byakugan!" They both intoned, and began to spar using gentle fist style. Sasuke idly wondered what would happen if and when the twins' sharingan awoke...After all, his own sharingan awoke in his eyes at age 8, but that was early. Kakashi-sensei told him that Uchiha-Obito's sharingan hadn't awoken until Obito was 11, but that was on the late side of things... At first, when the twins were the last of his older children to awaken the sharingan, he was worried the others would tease them; however, the twins were so amicable and generally well-liked, the fear had never materialized.

Suddenly he brought himself back to present time and began to intone to his students, "Observe how relaxed their fighting stance is, and yet, they are both perfectly alert and ready to attack and defend. Also, they keep their cool during the entire battle- no shouting of insults, just 100% concentration." Akahana and Kaminari blushed; even without being there, Sasuke knew their sparring match had likely been just the opposite. _Just like their mothers..._

"Oi, Sasuke, when do me and Itachi get to spar already?" Sasuke eyed the blond, headstrong ninja. "After you tell me what exactly happened between you two...Minato..."

Minato blushed, and Itachi broke in. "He said some pretty awful things. About you. And my _siblings."_ Itachi all but snarled that last bit, so Sasuke could imagine what was said, but he remained silent and nodded for Itachi to continue. "He said you were a _man-whore_. And he said that you're the real father of Akahana, Kaminari, not Lee-san and Choji-san."

Kushina punched Minato in the arm, trying to goad him into apologizing before they got in deeper trouble, but Minato just glowered in silence for the second time that day.

"Soka..." Sasuke rubbed his chin. He noticed that the twins had stopped sparring and were looking at him expectantly. _Guess it's about time for that lil' talk I've been dreading..._ "Isamu, Chie, nice work." They bowed in his direction, and Sasuke continued, "Get your butts over here. We need to have a little family meeting."

Minato scrunched up his nose at Sasuke. "You're not my family!"

"One: Isamu and Chie are your cousins related by blood, so they are your family. Two: Naruto and I are close friends, so I'd like it if one day you could consider me an uncle type. So chill out." Sasuke refrained from calling Naruto his "brother"...he didn't want to give the kids the wrong idea about normative behavior between brothers if they ever found out about _that_ episode of his life. _Seems like my life is one big string of fuck ups...quite literally..._ Sasuke smiled sardonically to himself.

He waited until all the children were seated in a circle, looking up at him with expectant eyes. "Alright kids, I'm only going to explain this to you only once. When I was young, I made mistakes. _A lot_ of mistakes..."

"Like trying to kill my father? Multiple times?" Minato intoned in a gruff voice. Kushina looked appalled.

"Yeah..."

"Like running away to Orochimaru's?" Akahana intoned sweetly.

"Uh-huh..."

"Like joining the Akatsuki?" Chimed Kaminari.

"Hai..."

"Like-"

"Ok, ok, as you can see, I made A LOT of mistakes! Can I continue now? Ok, so one mistake I made when I was younger was being really, really conceited. I thought I was Kami's gift to women. I see now that I was just being an ass. But I never, ever, regretted having any of you trolls. I'm happy to be your biological father, Akahana, Kaminari, Isamu, Chie. And I'm happy to be your biological father and the father that's raising you Itachi, Misao."

Sasuke smiled in a rare display of fatherly affection. "The last thing I want to say is that this doesn't mean that I'm your _only_ father, Akahana, Kaminari, to the exclusion of the fathers that raised you. In fact, if I remember correctly Lee-san picked out your name, Akahana, and Choji-san picked out Kaminari's name. I believe that's something fathers do...so would you mind quitting all this fighting with Itachi, Minato?"

It was silent for a moment. For once, Akahana and Kiminari actually looked like they understood what he was trying to say.

Minato grumbled. "Whatever...can I spar with Itachi now Sasuke-san?"

"Hold yer horses Minato. Otousan, how could you leave our mothers-" Akahana gestured to herself, Kiminari, and the twins- "How could you leave US?"

Sasuke looked at his pink haired daughter. _Oh, so much for understanding I guess..._"Yeah, that's the part I didn't think through at the time." Sasuke remarked wryly. "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, Akahana-chan, Kaminari-chan...I'm sorry I let you down."

"What about us!" Isamu huffed. "You can't just apologize to them and not us!"

"Well...the circumstances of your birth were different, I told your mother before hand that I wasn't going to marry her, but she wanted to have you guys anyway, even if it meant it would be by herself. But I am sorry about that too, I know it was hard for you guys..."

Isamu did not seem pacified. "That's weak dad and you know it! Byakugan!" Isamu rose to face Sasuke. "I want to fight you dad, right here and right now!"

Chie rose and activated her byakugan as well. "I will fight by your side brother!"

"Hai, nee-chan!" He replied.

"Hey don't leave me out!" Akahana cried, gathering chakra into her fists.

Kaminari activated her sharingan and glared at him evilly.

Itachi, who was already pissed off that day, also activated his sharingan. His younger brother, Misao, followed suit. Sasuke was surprised by him though, as Itachi called, "I will defend my father!" As Misao hollered his agreement with Itachi, Sasuke thought, _At least I popped out a few kids that don't hate my guts...ah._

Minato rose- "I'm going to kick the shit out of you, Itachi!"

Kushina put her hands in the air- "Guys, stop it!"

Sasuke surveyed the scene. These kids were just like how Sasuke was when he was young- he could never understand a lesson unless it was pounded into his skull through hand to hand combat. On the other hand, he really didn't want to pit Itachi and Misao against their siblings, or "cousins". Quickly, Sasuke thought of a good plan.

"Alright, it you shits can catch me, you can fight me!" Sasuke grabbed Itatchi and Misao by their wrists and started running.

"Daaaaad! Let me go! I want to defend your honor!" Itachi wailed.

"Nah, you just want to bust Minato's head in. I'll let you guys spar, but not until the rest of your siblings calm down. Now show me how fast you two can run!"

"Hai!" Yelled Misao.

"Ugh, fine!" Grunted Itachi, goaded on by his father's promise.

Thankfully, they were being followed by a bunch of close range fighting-style ninja, but Sasuke still activated his sharingan- and in a minute he was glad, as he dodged a volley of kunai. "Listen up Itachi, Misao, I want you to run ahead. I don't want you getting caught in this. I'll cover you. You run and bring the Hokage.

"Hai!" Misao squeaked.

Itachi eyed his father in a calculating manner. "Soka. You don't want me and Minato to spar while you are occupied with the others. Fine." Sasuke was glad Itachi didn't argue, especially considering that the last time those two idiots had a "spar", they both wound up with broken limbs.

"Arigato!" Sasuke called after them, as the two disappeared in a flash. Sasuke turned around. He noticed from the corner of his eye that Midori, Sakura's second born child with Lee, and Cho, Ino and Choji's daughter, were nearby practicing kunai throwing.

"Hey, nee-chan, come help me kill my biological father!" Akahana roared over to her half sister.

Midori looked up. "Nope. Not going to get in trouble with you. Again. Lee-Otousan told me to practice kunai throwing with Cho, and that's what I'm a doing." Midori stuck out her tongue. "In fact, maybe I should get mom so you stop acting like such a spaz!"

"Cho! Get over here and help us injure my so-called father!" Kaminari roared over to her little sister.

Cho shook her head. "No way sis. I'm getting mom and I'm TELLING!"

"Worthless!" Kaminari spat. Cho grabbed Midori's hand and they headed back to the village.

"Nice going!" Isamu barked. "Let's finish him off before your _moms_ get here!"

* * *

Things are starting to heat up for Sasuke-papa-bear! Tune in next time for an epic sharingan rumble!

Like what you read? Do drop me a lil' review or Sasuke will turn his sharingan on you! XD


	14. Ch 14 Ep3: Sharingan Show Down!

Alright friends, I've uploaded a chapter in honor of the upcoming weekend! BTW, it's probably one of my favorite chapters in this whole story, and it's nice and long too, so I'm hoping it will appease your thirst for an update! *wink!*

Special thanks to:

MidniteCurse4Eternity : Aw, thanks so much! Your review made me smile:)

Echo Uchiha :)

hanika. starzone *author laughs out loud* OMG, for reals! Thanks so much!

Neko-Chan NyaNya That really means a lot to me- I worked super hard on the OC's, and I'm glad they turned out ok!

FireStarDragon1019 Thanks so very much! You're the best! *Does a happy dance*

Alright, here's the list of OC's again in case you've forgotten!

**Sasuke's Random Kids:**

Akahana- lit, "red rose". Sakura and Sasuke's kid. At time of epilogue 10 years old

Kaminari- literally, "thunder", daughter of Ino and Sasuke, about 10 years old

Isamu- lit., "bravery" Son of Sasuke and Hanabi, Chie's twin. About 10.

Chie- lit, "wisdom", Daughter of Sasuke and Hanabi, Isamu's twin. About 10.

**Sasauke's Kids with Anko:**

Itatchi- Anko + Sasuke's first kid. About 10 years old

Misao- name literally means "fidelity". Second son of Anko + Sasuke, age 8

Rena- literally means "reborn", third child of Anko + Sasuke, age 5

**Naruto + Hinata's kids:**

Minato: son about 9 years old

Kushina: daughter about 7 years old

Yasuyo- lit., "peaceful era", daughter, about 2 years old

**Ino + Choji's kid:**

Cho- lit, "butterfly", daughter, 8 years old

**Sakura + Lee's kids:**

Midori- lit, "green", daughter, about 7

Michio- lit., "road of life", son, named for Kakashi, about 5

**Shikamaru and Temari**

Ozora- lit, "wide sky", son, about 7

**Tenten + Neji**

setsuna- lit, "calm snow", about 8

Without further ado...!

* * *

Chapter 14: Epilogue part 3

Sharingan Show Down

Sasuke noticed, as his four children got into their fighting stances, that Minato crouched down as well. Sasuke arched an eyebrow, "So? Minato, I thought you wanted to fight Itachi?"

Minato shook his head furiously. "NO! I want to fight you!"

Kushina covered her mouth with her hands; Sasuke's four children worryingly looked at Minato.

"Oi, Minato, this is our fight, not yours!" Akahana barked.

"I hate your dad just as much as you do!" Minato snapped back.

This did not sit well with Sasuke.

Isamu rolled his eyes. "Bugger off Minato. This is our fight. If you really insist on fighting, you can watch our backs." Minato growled, but nodded his assent. It was rare that the cousins ever fought, and Minato had an especially close relationship with Isamu. The two often sought each other out as sparring partners, and each had respect for the fighting style of the other. Minato murmured, "Fine Isamu, but you owe me."

Kushina just shook her head miserably- she _knew_ none of these bakas would listen to reason at this point, so she stationed herself on the sideline and resigned herself to waiting until someone needed medical attention. She had been spending a lot of time with "Auntie Sakura" and had picked up a few good tricks- thankfully, since her hot-headed brother seemed to always be getting injured, not to mention her friends.

As the genin sorted out their business, Sasuke calculated his battle plan. He was confident that his four brats couldn't stand a chance against him- he knew all their moves, but at the same time he wouldn't underestimate them. Especially since Minato was still somewhat of an unknown to Sasuke- Minato usually avoided Sasuke like the plague, and Sasuke wasn't sure exactly what the boy was capable of. Sasuke hoped he could just keep up a good defense, wear the kids out, and then patch things up. But if need be, he would bash their heads together in an attempt to knock some sense into their thick skulls. It would be good training for them, anyway. He decided not to use genjutsu, preferring to let the kids work out their aggression _now, _and with their fists,so they could get it all out of their systems.

Suddenly, Sasuke had no time for any more mental planning, as the first barrage of kunai and shuriken fell all around him. "Hn." Sasuke muttered, dodging and knocking away their volley of metal with ease.

Akahana's long pink braids flew behind her as she ran up to Sasuke and punched the earth in front of him, forcing him farther backwards. _A distraction..._ Sasuke thought idly, turning his sharingan to the periphery. Sure enough, the twins had anticipated where Sasuke would land and were waiting to flank him on either side. _Good teamwork..._a part of Sasuke's mind thought, _but I'm not in the mood to be the filling in a byakugan sandwich... _With a small amount of effort, Sasuke flipped onto his hands and moved out of the twin's range.

"We've got him! Now _do_ it Akahana!" Kaminari roared.

Sasuke felt himself being bound in invisible wire. _Good. These goofs really have improved...but not enough to catch me._

Sasuke's body disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by a log.

"Kuso! Where did he go?" Akahana moaned, her wire going limp. "Isamu! Chie! Scan the area with your byakugan!"

"Already on it oh bossy one." Chie replied sardonically.

Kaminari used her telepathy to beam a message to her teammates. "_Ok guys, Sensei doesn't know I've learned to use telepathy like this. So just stay connected to my mind and we'll take him out!"_

Akahana winked at her friend. _"Nice loud mouth! Ok guys, here's the plan..."_

Isamu and Chie grinned. Minato, who was not part of the psychic pow-wow, stood behind the twins and glared around him expectantly. "So, where is he?"

No one answered Minato, but as the group began to run towards the treeline, Minato just sighed and ran after them, staying close to Isamu.

Sasuke grinned as he saw the group approaching. _Not that I'm surprised they found me, after all they have two byakugan users on their team..._

Akahana was the first to arrive- she was by far the fastest runner, since she could force chakra into her legs to increase her speed- and slammed her fist into the ground.

_That again? I won't fall for the same trick twice!_ Sasuke grinned and jumped forwards this time, balancing his feet on Akahana's shoulders, then nimbly leaping into the branches of a nearby tree. But Isamu was there waiting for him- "Eight Trigrams, Sixty-Four Palms!" He yelled. _Good_, Sasuke thought, as he expertly dodged his son's attacks, _they've anticipated my moves._ Sasuke expected to have the advantage in this fight, as he knew his children's fighting styles intimately, but he was chagrined to realize that they knew _his_ fighting style just as well.

Sasuke cut off Isamu's barrage with a low kick, causing Isamu to lose his balance- by the time he steadied himself on a nearby branch, Sasuke had his son bound in wire and was gone. "Damn!" Isamu shouted as he shot a telepathic message to Kaminari, "_So far so good, he's playing right into the palm of our hands. He's heading northwest, he's about 60 degrees to your right Akahana!"_

"_OK!"_

"_Ouch, don't shout, it's loud inside my head, baka!"_

Isamu could hear his sister laughing telepathically as he struggled with his ropes.

Sasuke slid down the tree and silently stalked his prey- he saw Akahana close by, and her back was to him. _Now's my chance!_

Sasuke silently shot a smoke bomb towards his daughter and had her tied up in a manner of seconds. _That was too easy..._

As the smoke cleared, Sasuke couldn't help but smile again- he was surrounded on all sides by his four children, and beside him was a log bound up in wire. "You four have improved." Sasuke noted dryly.

"Don't patronize us!" Akahana roared, coming at him with a kunai; she was mirrored by Kaminari who also had kunai clutched in her fist. The twins chanted, "Eight-Trigrams, Sixty-Four Palms!" in unison. Just as Sasuke was wondering how he was going to extract himself from the center of the circle, he heard a piercing shriek behind him-

"MINATO- NOOOOOOO!" Kushina wailed.

Sasuke whirled around to see Minato charging at him full force with a rasengan the size of a large softball. _Shit!_

Before Sasuke could react, a black blur positioned itself in front of his body-

"KUSHINA!" Chie screamed, the terror in her voice turning Sasuke's blood to ice.

But it was too late, Minato had no time to stop, and his rasengan hit his sister with a sickening _crack_. Kushina's body slammed into Sasuke's, and a part of his mind noticed searing pain shooting out from his back as he smashed into Akahana and Kaminari's kunais before hitting the ground a split second later.

"KUSO!" Sasuke cursed as he ignored his pain and turned his attention to Kushina's petite form on top of his body. _Thank Kami I was able to break her fall-_ Sasuke thought wildly. He could hear Chie screaming, but he pushed that sound to the background. _Please Kami, let Kushina be alright!_

"Sasuke-uncle, are you alright?" Kushina asked him as he looked into her eyes.

Before she could respond, Minato rushed over- he was unable to speak at first, and his tears rolled down off his cheeks onto his sister's face. "Why?" He finally whispered.

"Baka- because, Sasuke is our family!" Kushina spat at her idiot brother- she tried to say more, but she started coughing up blood.

Sasuke's mind started whirling- he noticed Chie was still howling while she clutched her face, but pushed that realization to the side of his consciousness as he called, "Akahana! Kaminari! You two are trained in medical ninjutsu! GET OVER HERE!"

As the two kunoichi ran over to Kushina's trembling body, while Isamu roared, "Chie! Chie! Stop trying to claw out your eyes!"

Sasuke shook his head. _Great fucking timing._ "Girls, stabilize Kushina, I need to go help Chie! NOW!"

"Hai!" Akahana and Kaminari cried in unison, as they knelt down by their fallen comrade and gathered chakra into their palms.

Sasuke ran over to his screaming daughter and quickly placed her in a soothing genjutsu- it helped a little, and Chie's blood curdling screams faded into tortured whimpers. However, she was still clutching at her eyes, so Sasuke gently took her hands in his. _Shit._ Chie's eyes were scrunched tightly closed, and blood flowed from each eye. "Isamu! Use your byakugan! What's going on with your sister's eyes!"

Isamu activated his byakugan and gasped. "Chakra's overwhelming the vessels in her eyes! If we don't do something soon, she's going to go blind!"

Sasuke thanked Kami for his ninja instincts- otherwise, he didn't know how he could stay so calm in a hellish situation like this. "MINATO! RUN AND GET SAKURA! NOW!" Minato, who at this point was on his knees and looked like he was going to hurl, bolted upright and ran to the village.

"Akahana! Kaminari! What is Kushina's condition?"

"Yakatta, Kushina-chan was wearing chakra armor, and even though she absorbed a lot of impact and fractured a few ribs, her lungs weren't punctured."

"Good. Kaminari, you keep working on Kushina, Akahana, get your ass over here NOW before your sister goes blind!"

Akahana gasped as she sprinted over, and started to stabilize Chie's chakra vessels. "Do you know what's going on? Anything you can tell me would help, Sensei."

Sasuke shot, "Her sharingan is activating."

Akahana's eyes widened in shock. "What are you talking about? It wasn't this bad for any of us-"  
Sasuke cut her off, "It must be because of her byakugan. Also, I think her sharingan activated before she was ready, from her shock at seeing what happened to Kushina." Akahana nodded. "I'll do what I can Dad, but I'm no expert-"

"Thankfully, I am." Sakura strode into the area and kneeled down next to her daughter. She shot Sasuke what he would term a death glare, and assessed the damage to Chie's eyes. "You did very well, Akahana. Go over and help your sister with Kushina, and let me finish this one up. The vessels around the eye are very delicate."

"Hai, okaasan."

"What the hell happened here?" Sakura barked at Sasuke.

"Let's clean this mess up first."

Sakura grunted and nodded. Sasuke got up slowly and stumbled over to where Kushina was being healed, noticing that his body was trembling and small black dots danced across his vision. He forced himself to concentrate and kneeled down by a barely conscious Kushina. She smiled up at him when she saw his concerned gaze.

Sasuke chuckled. "Kushina, you're just as much of a baka as your father-"

Kushina cut him off vehemently, "I could stand by while you-" She began coughing again.

"Hush dearest. Thank you. But don't ever put yourself in harms way for me- it's my duty to protect _you_!" He felt tears falling down his face as he thought about a similar baka who had never given up on him, despite Sasuke's lack of appreciation or reciprocity.

Kushina managed a small laugh. "Don't make me promise something that I can't keep."

Sasuke grinned. "I'm going to put you under a pleasant genjutsu now, so that you won't feel any more pain. Ok, 'Shina-chan?"

Kushina nodded, and Sasuke put her under. "I'll have to teach you girls this genjutsu, should you ever need it in the field." Sasuke made a mental note of that, then tried to stand up-

and promptly fell over onto his side.

"Sasuke-kun! Your back is covered in kunai!" Sakura had finished up her work with Chie, and was now glowering down at Sasuke. "Baka! Look how much blood you lost!"

"Gomen nasai, Sakura-chan." Sasuke winced. He had totally overlooked his own injuries in his concern over his charges, but now he felt extremely woozy from losing so much blood. He supposed that the impact of his fall had _enhanced_ the action of the kunai penetrating his flesh.

"Mom, why don't you work on Kushina and we'll work on Dad...after all, that's kind of our fault."

Sasuke chortled as Sakura traded places with the two kunoichi, Sakura cursing all the while.

"Gomen nasai, otousan." Akahana and Kaminari muttered in unison as they worked on his back.

"Hn."

"Are you mad?" Kaminari asked nervously.

"No. Now shut up and get those kunai out of my back." He winked at her. Kaminari wrinkled her nose down at him and complied. Akahana just snorted, but Sasuke could tell that both of them felt guilty as hell. _Well, I guess that's a good thing...they shouldn't come away guilt free after almost committing patricide..._

When they finished patching up his back, Sasuke sat up, shaking his head to try and clear his vision of the black dots. "I'm actually proud of you guys. Not only did you use teamwork to beat me in a fight, but you were also very efficient in healing your fallen comrades. You've come a long way, Kami-chan, Hana-chan." The two blushed as he uttered seldom-heard praise.

He left his two students dumbfounded as he stood- very, very slowly- and brushed himself off. He saw Naruto and his wife off to the side, speaking quietly to Minato. Sasuke was surprised he hadn't seen the couple arrive, and he wondered where his two sons were. Hinata held the sleeping toddler Yasuyo in her arms as tears trickled down her pale face. When she saw Sasuke rise, she made her way over to him. Before she could say anything, Sasuke stated simply, "I take full responsibility for what happened today-"  
"Sasuke-kun, I came over here to apologize to you-" Hinata cut him off, but was in turn cut off by the two kunoichi in front of her.

"NO!" Kaminari shouted.

"It's our fault that this happened in the first place! WE take full responsibility!" Akahana countered tearfully.

Sakura finished healing Kushina, who was now sleeping peacefully on the grass, and snorted. "Girls, go to the hospital and request stretcher services for two."

"Hai!" They squeaked in unison and ran off.

Isamu, who was sitting by his sister's side and holding her hand, spoke up. "I take responsibility as well, I allowed myself to be riled up and I began in this ridiculous fight."

Sakura shook her head. "If I had believed Cho and Madori and made it over here faster, I could have prevented these injuries in the first place."

Itachi and Misao emerged from the shadows and came forward. Itachi mumbled, "I take full responsibility. It's because I'm always picking fights with Minato that this happened."

Minato called from his place by Naruto, "SHUT UP! All of you! It's MY fault!" And with that, he ran off.

Naruto shook his head.

"Well that was helpful." Sakura muttered under her breath.

* * *

Oh dear! What a chapter! What did you think? **Review** my pretties or I'll send an angst-ridden Minato after you! *evil laughter*!


	15. Ch 15 Ep4: Joy

Wow, we're at the end of the story! Can you believe it? Dattebayo!

Thanks all for reading, your reviews, etc!

Special thanks to:

Plain. Toast. II don't worry, all your questions shall be answered now!

MidniteCurse4Eternity Thanks so very much for your review! *happy dance!*

FireStarDragon1019 LOL, wait no more! The end is nigh!

Ok, here are the OC's again, FYI:

**Sasuke's Random Kids:**

Akahana- lit, "red rose". Sakura and Sasuke's kid. At time of epilogue 10 years old

Kaminari- literally, "thunder", daughter of Ino and Sasuke, about 10 years old

Isamu- lit., "bravery" Son of Sasuke and Hanabi, Chie's twin. About 10.

Chie- lit, "wisdom", Daughter of Sasuke and Hanabi, Isamu's twin. About 10.

**Sasauke's Kids with Anko:**

Itatchi- Anko + Sasuke's first kid. About 10 years old

Misao- name literally means "fidelity". Second son of Anko + Sasuke, age 8

Rena- literally means "reborn", third child of Anko + Sasuke, age 5

**Naruto + Hinata's kids:**

Minato: son about 9 years old

Kushina: daughter about 7 years old

Yasuyo- lit., "peaceful era", daughter, about 2 years old

**Ino + Choji's kid:**

Cho- lit, "butterfly", daughter, 8 years old

**Sakura + Lee's kids:**

Midori- lit, "green", daughter, about 7

Michio- lit., "road of life", son, named for Kakashi, about 5

**Shikamaru and Temari**

Ozora- lit, "wide sky", son, about 7

**Tenten + Neji**

setsuna- lit, "calm snow", about 8

and now, without further ado...

* * *

Chapter 15 Epilogue part 4

Joy

Sasuke twiddled his thumbs in the hospital waiting room, flanked on either side by Itatchi and Misao. Anko paced the floor in front of him, holding their snoring daughter Rena-chan.

"Do you think Chie's ganna be ok dad?" Misao asked innocently.

Sasuke shook his head. "Don't know. This whole sharingan/byakugan thing is new to me..."

Anko scolded, "Of course Chie is going to be fine! Sakura, Hanabi, and Hiashi-sama are all looking after her! Stop worrying you three!" But despite her words, it was plain to see Anko was worried shitless as well.

Finally, the door opened to reveal a smiling Sakura. "Oi, Sasuke-kun, your daughter wants to see you."

Breathing a long sigh of relief, Sasuke made his way into his daughter's room-

and his jaw dropped at what he saw.

"What- how- oh-" Sasuke muttered.

Hiashi nodded. "It seems that Chie has the rinnegan. I am truly happy that you sired my grandchildren." The older man came forward and shook Sasuke's hand.

_Holy fucking crap!_

Sasuke's mind was blank except for these expletives. He knew his jaw was hanging open and that he looked like an idiot, but this was truly unexpected. Isamu smiled up at him and said, "Hey dad, quit looking dumb and come take my spot!" Isamu, who had been holding his sister's hand, let go, and vacated his chair. Sasuke sat down feeling numb, but managed to stutter, "I'm just glad you're alright Chie..."

"Otousan, gomen-"

"Hush. You have nothing to be sorry for." He gently ruffled his daughter's hair. "I'm proud of you." His daughter beamed with pleasure at the praise. Sasuke thought idly that he had uttered more praise to his children in the past twenty-four hours than he had their whole lives. He made a mental note to change that trend.

Hiashi cleared his throat. "Once you and your cousin Kushina are recovered, I'm going to throw you both a party."

"A-arigato, Hiashi-sama!"

"Please," the older man waved, "just call me grandpa."

(line break)

It was a glorious spring day, and the cherry blossom trees were in full bloom in the Hyuga clan enclave. Sasuke languidly breathed in the cloying scent as his daughter Rena begged him to pick her some flowers. Acquiescing, he picked a small twig with a few blooms and placed it behind her ear. Smiling, he gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead and said, "You look very beautiful, Rena-chan!" The girl's smile reached from ear-to-ear. _I could get used to this giving plenty of praise thing_...

"Welcome everyone!" Hanabi came over to Sasuke and Anko's family.

Sasuke bowed deeply. "Thank you for hosting this party, Hanabi-san"

Hanabi punched him lightly on the arm. "Ugh, don't be so formal Sasuke-saaaaaaan!" She called mockingly. "We're all family. Come on in!"

Anko, instead of being perturbed by Sasuke's familiarity with his former lover, just smiled. She wasn't the jealous type, and she knew that her man knew his place.

"Mom, why are you laughing?" Itachi asked.

"Oh, I'm just so happy Itachi-kuuuuuun!" She got her son in a headlock and started ruffling his hair.

"Ow, mom, quit being so eeeeviiiiiiiiiiil!" Itachi moaned, helpless against her attack.

The backyard was decorated with light blue streamers which set off the pink of the cherry blossom trees nicely. Naruto waved at him from across the way, and motioned for them to come sit by his family.

"Ugh, dad, are we going to have to sit by Minato-"

"Hush." Sasuke slapped Itatchi lightly on the back of his head, causing him to blush in embarrassment.

"Ah, I was wondering when you guys would get here!" Naruto called as they got closer. Next to him, Minato looked down at the ground bashfully.

Hinata smiled, "It's good to see you, Sasuke-kun, Anko-chan, Itachi-kun, Misao-kun, Rena-chaaaaan!" With that, Rena ran up to Hinata and gave her a hug.

"Kushina-chan, you're looking well thank Kami." Anko stated as she sat down. The girl nodded, but remained quiet, and Anko didn't press any further.

Naruto elbowed Minato in the side, who then got up slowly. "Ah- Sasuke-san...-"

Sasuke waved his hand. "Please, don't apologize, if that...-"

Minato shook his head and walked over to Sasuke with measured steps. "I, um, got this for you!" The boy blushed profusely and handed him a box wrapped in dark blue paper. Sasuke grinned. "Arigato."

He peeled back the wrapping paper in a deliberate fashion, and opened the box. Inside were shirts emblazoned with the Uchiha and Uzumaki clan symbols arranged on the trunk of a calligraphic cherry tree.

"I-I design it m-myself. I thought it'd be nice to include the ch-cherry b-blossom tree too, since, Auntie S-sakura was one of your o-original teammates with my d-dad..." Minato spoke haltingly, twisting his hands together. "There's one f-for everyone."

Sasuke smiled and put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Thank you, Minato-kun. I didn't know you were such a talented artist." Minato's blush deepened at the praise.

Itachi rose and bowed towards his rival. "Arigato, Minato-san."

Naruto snorted. "Come on now, no need to use honorifics with us Itachi-kun, we're all family here."

Minato smiled sheepishly and held out his hand to Itachi, who met his grasp and shook Minato's hand gently, as if his hand were made out of glass.

"Oi, Itachi, Misao, Minato, 'Shina-chan, come check this out!" Chie's voice called from far away. "I want to try out my new sharingan on you suckers!"

Glad for the break in the awkward moment, the group of children ran off to meet the twins, closely followed by Rena and Yasuyo. Sasuke chuckled as he watched them depart.

Anko raised an eyebrow. "Sharingan? I thought she had...you know..."

Naruto spoke quietly, "Since Chie and Isamu are young, we thought we'd keep the rinnegan thing on the down low. We wouldn't want our enemies catching wind of it before the twins know how to protect themselves..."

"Ah, I see." Anko murmured.

"The truly amazing thing is that Chie has three levels of activation- she can start with byakugan, then proceed to either activate sharingan by itself or together with byakugan, and then the third stage..." Sasuke didn't complete the sentence, but everyone knew the third stage was the fabled rinnegan.

"It _is_ truly...amazing..." Anko breathed.

"Not as amazing as the fact that due to Sasuke being a total slut, the village has two new trump cards." Naruto stated crudely.

"Oh my, is that a _blush_ Sasuke-kun?" Hinata cackled.

Anko put her arms around Sasuke's shoulder. "He sure has come a long way from being a self centered, womanizing, jerk. You know, I even heard him giving our sons _positive encouragement_ today. Yes, words of praise left his mouth."

"Hn." Sasuke used his trademark expression, but he was smiling.

"Yes, and I've noticed the bastard actually has been grinning a lot lately...have you been slipping him prozac in his morning coffee?" Hinata joked.

Sasuke held up a hand and motioned for them to quit laughing, stating simply, "I have a lot to be happy about."

The friends enjoyed the pleasant silence that enveloped them, as a gentle breeze blew cherry blossom petals around their sparring children.

* * *

Aw, cute end. Well, if like what you read here, I invite you to come check out my story **Ain't Nobody That Can Sing Like Me** (it's listed on my profile:)

It's a Sasuke x Sakura fic, and it's got it all- humor, drama, romance- yawsa! Hope to see you there!


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